Shawne Merriman cleared to play after fifth opinion from Dr. Dre

SAN DIEGO, CA — Shawne Merriman has been officially cleared to play this weekend after seeking a fifth and final medical opinion from Dr. Dre.

“I went to four doctors, and they all told me the same thing–that my knee needed surgery and that I should sit out until I could get it done, or else I would be risking my career,” Merriman said. “Then I ran into Dr. Dre at a party in Hollywood last weekend, and I thought, ‘Maybe I’ll seek a fifth opinion, just to be sure.’”

So Merriman asked Dre, who is not a medical doctor and does not even have a bachelor’s degree, what he thought.

“Dre was like, ‘Man, you can suck it up and play this year, man,’” Merriman relayed. “He said, ‘Da bolts need you, bro. Your knee can hold up. Go for it!’”

Merriman said that this simply demonstrates the strength of Dre’s character.

“Look, a lot of doctors spent a shitload of time looking at MRIs and stuff like that, when they were talking to me,” Merriman said. “They spent hours poking my knee, probing it, doing all this stuff to it, looking at X-rays, draining fluid, all this stuff. Dr. Dre just looked into my eyes and diagnosed me, man. Frickin’ unbelievable. And he got it right?!!!?”

When the San Diego Chargers were told of Merriman’s most recent opinion, and also when they had the risks of playing on the frayed knee outlined for them, they reiterated that the decision was Merriman’s and Merriman’s alone.

“Listen, we let our players go to whatever doctors they’d like to, if they desire a second opinion,” said an unnamed Chargers official. “Who’s to say that Dr. Dre can’t give a good medical opinion? After all, he’s proved that he can be a rapper, a producer, and a shrewd businessman, as well as a good father to his children. So I don’t think doctor is that far off, do you?”

According to Dr. Dre, when reached by SSNN, Merriman is not at risk of much further injury on his knee, just “the embarrassment of everyone thinking he’s a little bitch if he can’t play and decides to sit out.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!