Serena Williams takes title at U.S. Open; rips apart adult grizzly bear

NEW YORK, NY - Serena Williams can add a series of accomplishments to her name upon the conclusion of this year’s U.S. Women’s Tennis Open. Not only did the fearsome Williams capture her third U.S. Open Championship, ninth Grand Slam title and return to the top of women’s tennis rankings but barely before the champion had been newly crowned, she killed a live bear before horrified onlookers.

The tennis enthusiasts who filled the USTA Billie Jean King National Tennis Center got more than they bargained for at the ticket price once the final point had been won. Upon defeating her opponent, the American tennis champion hurled her racket into the air, uttered a bestial snarl and proceeded to shred apart a fully grown Kodiak grizzly with her bare hands. While bizarre and grim in detail, some tennis observers meekly added that “it was really only a matter of time.”

“For a woman with her sort of extensive, muscular frame, it would be common for her to have killed three or four bears to date,” said Tennis statistician Neil Hardaway. “This isolated incident still leaves her three destroyed grizzlies behind her older sister Venus. While the tennis world is no doubt impressed with this act of mighty and ferocity, there is still more to be seen from the youngest Williams sister.”

The chances of Williams’ lithe opponent Jelena Jankovic handling the aggressive ursine if Jankovic had captured the title instead is unlikely, so it seems for now it seems fate has dealt the Serbian a fortunate hand with the loss.

“This is an encouragement for all the butch girls out there who desire biceps and brawn,” said avid feminist Deborah Doyle. “I consider it a strike to the face of populist media to see a powerful woman both succeeding in such an athletic endeavour and massacring a frightening beast of nature.”

While efforts are being made to uncover how the fully developed grizzly found entrance to the stadium are under way, there are no hard facts to go on as of yet.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!