Selig to Astros: “Stop complaining, or I’ll make you play the entire 2009 season in Montreal.”

HOUSTON, TX — As many Houston Astros players and fans express their outrage at Bud Selig’s decision to force the Astros to play two makeup “home games” in Milwaukee, Selig has grown tired of the criticism and has levied another threat.

“If I hear one more criticism of my decision, be it from a player, fan, owner, or blogger, so help me God, I am going to make the Houston Astros play the entire 2009 season in Montreal,” Selig said. “I will force them to spend their entire year without any friends or fans, living in cheap, French-only hotels and eating greasy food. Yes, there will be casinos nearby — that will be the only saving grace.”

Selig says that he made the best decision at the time, and then went forward with it as reasonably as he could.

“I really had no options,” Selig said. “It was either play the games in Milwaukee, try and find somewhere else to play them, or reschedule them for those two days after the season that are specifically earmarked for rainouts. Well, the last one wasn’t an option, since we don’t want to mess up the Cubs’ rotation before the playoffs start. So it pretty much came down to trying to find a better place than Milwaukee.”

Selig said he looked long and hard, but couldn’t find any other place to play.

“Check it out,” Selig said. “The only places we were able to consider were Tampa Bay, Miami, Minnesota, Atlanta, Dallas, San Diego, Los Angeles, Phoenix, Kansas City, Philadelphia, Baltimore, Washington DC, Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, New York, and St. Louis. But none of them seemed like a very good option. Milwaukee, however, that seemed like a pretty good option, so we went with that.”

The Astros lost both games played in Milwaukee, nearly ending their once-growing playoff hopes, mustering just one hit in the two games.

“I’m sorry that the Astros and their fans feel like this was unfair,” Selig said. “But they could have easily brought a bunch of fans up from Houston to Milwaukee for the game, like the Cubs did. I mean, they were all evacuating Houston anyway, because of Hurricane Ike. They had to go somewhere–why not Milwaukee?’

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!