Selig proposes plan to make things right with Astros

HOUSTON, MILWAUKEE, NEW YORK, and PHILADELPHIA — Bud Selig, apparently feeling “really bad” after ruining the Astros season last week and then demonstrating a total and complete double standard this week, is going to make it up to disenfranchised Astros fans.

“There are a lot of people who think I handled the situation with the Astros really poorly,” Selig told SSNN. “So I want to make it up to them. I think that people felt like I was favoring certain teams in major markets, like the Mets and the Cubs more than others. So as a result, I’ve launched a new plan on behalf of the Astros. I’m going to allow the Brewers to play all of the rest of their games at Miller

Park, and I’m going to give them a three-run lead in each game, and I’m going to allow them to use an extra fielder, like a rover in softball. I wish I could give these advantages to the Astros, but unfortunately they are no longer in contention, so I’m forced to give it to the only other small market team that’s vying for the wild card, the Milwaukee Brewers, the team that I coincidentally used to own.”

The Brewers are trying to chase down the Mets and the Phillies for the wild card, and at the time of Selig’s announcement were just one game back.

“I think at its core, this issue is about large market vs. small market teams,” Selig said. “Houston is a small market, and so they felt left out, like we were being favorable to the larger market clubs. Which we probably were. So, to make up for it, I’ve chosen the Milwaukee Brewers to be a representative of all the small market clubs out there, and by giving them these advantages, I’m really trying to even the score.”

By having an extra player on the field, a three-run lead to start the game, and non-stop homefield advantage, Selig estimates that the Brewers should win at least three of their remaining four games and easily make the playoffs on behalf of the Astros and all the other small market teams out there.

“We’ll probably still blow a game with our bullpen; er, I mean, they’ll probably blow a game with their bullpen,” Selig said. “But I still think this is a good plan to, you know, make up for my previous mistakes.”

Still, Selig was afraid his olive branch has not yet been accepted.

“You know, it’s weird, I expected to receive a fruit basket or something from the Astros, you know, to say thanks,” he said. “I haven’t even gotten a phone call or a candygram. I have gotten a lot of e-mail, but none of it really said ‘Thanks.’”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!