Sarah Palin eats Scott Boras’s soul, becomes nicer

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — SSNN has learned that Sarah Palin ate Scott Boras’s soul last night, and actually became a much more friendly, generous person than she had been beforehand.

“Yes, I can confirm that indeed Sarah Palin has eaten my soul,” Boras announced Thursday with zero emotion, as having a soul is necessary for emotion, obviously. “I no longer have a soul. Sarah Palin has eaten my soul. I will continue to represent the athletes that I represent, but I will do so without any fire or passion whatsoever. I will also be the easiest person in the world with whom one can negotiate. In fact, I’d like to report that the Pirates have signed Pedro Alvarez and will pay him $36,000 a year, but he will get health care.”

In the meantime, Palin was seen to be noticeably nicer on Thursday, despite having feasted on Boras’s soul as an after-speech snack following her address to the Republican National Convention.

“Yes, I can confirm that I indeed ate Scott Boras’s soul late last night,” Palin said. “As you may or may not know, I rely on souls for the energy and power that it takes me to live my life. Much in the same way that a normal person relies on food and water, for me the best way to sustain myself and my high level of enthusiasm is to devour the hopes and dreams of innocent people. A good soul-noshing can keep me going for several hours, and a truly evil soul can keep me going for days. That’s why I had expected Scott Boras to be such a delightful treat.”

Onlookers noticed that Palin was much more friendly on Thursday than she’d been in the past.

“I don’t know what came over her,” said a member of the Republican National Committee. “She spent the whole damn day giving money to homeless people on the street, visiting hospitals and trying to work out payment plans for the underprivileged, and registering minorities to vote. She even planted some trees. It was really weird, and frankly, a little off-putting.”

Palin agreed.

“This will not stand,” she stated. “I cannot keep behaving like this. I’m going to try and eat some sort of combination of Alex Rodriguez and Hank Steinbrenner’s soul. Maybe that will work. I may throw in a little Elijah Dukes. After all, these are critical times for America, and the nation needs me at my worst.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!