Pete Carroll: “Our players make way too much money to lose to a team like Oregon State”

WHEREVER THE HELL OREGON STATE IS LOCATED — A despondent Pete Carroll gave a terse press conference Thursday evening after his number one ranked USC Trojans were upset surprisingly by the unranked, 1-2 Oregon State Beavers, complicating USC’s chances for a national championship.

“Look, the bottom line is that we have some very highly paid athletes on this squad,” said Pete Carroll. “If you’re making millions of dollars a year to play collegiate football, then you have an obligation to your team and your fans to really step up in key situations. Our team did not do that, and I want to apologize to the boosters who are paying good money for these players.”

Carroll neglected to point out any players in particular, but he did shine the light on quarterback Mark Sanchez.

“Sanchez is making, what, $2.4 mill, $2.45, something like that?” Carroll said. “That’s big time money. He doesn’t think we’d rather have a guy in there making only $1.8 or $1.9 that could save us a lot? Maybe we could even use that extra $500 grand on a linebacker or something like that. Or a giant bungee cord that we can tie to the back of Oregon State’s running back. Anything.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!