Patriots sign Manning

FOXBORO, MA — The New England Patriots, in a move of possible desperation, have signed Cooper Manning, older brother of Peyton and Eli, to play quarterback for the rest of the season.

“We are excited to continue the sequence of Manning brothers who are winning consecutive Super Bowls,” stated Bill Belichick, Patriots coach. “While Cooper Manning has not played competitive football in many years, and while he has a serious spinal condition that will endanger his life if he plays, I think it’s important that we get back to the Super Bowl. Most definitely more important than, you know, the health of any individual.”

Cooper Manning was a wide receiver in high school, and was All-State and en route to Ole Miss before his injury issues derailed his career. He has previously said he has no regrets, but 15 years later, he has decided to give it one more go.

Manning can pretty much throw a spiral, which he estimates will be good for about 3,000 yards and at least 20 touchdown passes to Randy Moss. He realizes that he’s obviously not Tom Brady, but that he still has a good shot to be an All-Pro.

“If Matt Cassel can do it, I can do it,” Manning said. “I think that’s pretty clear.”

Belichick said he’s optimistic about the team’s latest move.

“It came down to Ashley Manning, who is Peyton’s wife, and Cooper Manning,” Belichick said. “Ashley probably has a better arm and definitely understands the game better, but Cooper was cheaper, so we went with him. If he can’t get the job done, though, Ash, you’re next in line.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!