Patriots post “Curb Alert” for Lynch on Craigslist

FOXBORO, MA – After three weeks of trying desperately to unload him for money, draft picks, or players, the New England Patriots are giving away John Lynch, having placed him on the side of a local dumpster and simply announced a “Curb Alert” on Craigslist.

The ad on Craigslist read as follows:

CURB ALERT!!! USEFUL DEFENSIVE BACK AVAILABLE!!!

We have left a wonderful and moderately useful defensive back on the corner of Polk and Domino in Foxboro. While he’s old and has some discoloration, he is still useful and He’s right by the dumpster behind the Chicken Hut. First come, first served! Good luck!

According to the Patriots, they have been trying desperately to get rid of Lynch for three weeks, having posted several ads for him on Craigslist, starting at $300 and going steadily down.

“Our last ad was very urgent,” said Bill Belichick. “We were basically like, we’re leaving town, and we must get rid of this defensive back. We will take anything. We actually had one person who was interested and negotiated us down to $125. But when they showed up, they took one look at Lynch and got the hell out of there. After we posted him three times and got no takers, we all sort of looked at each other and said, ‘Curb Alert!’”

The rules of Craigslist are very specific, even on curb alerts, and the organization was discussing whether or not the ad posted for Lynch was a violation. In the meantime, several teams have sent representatives to take a look at Lynch.

“We’ve been in touch with some folks from the Chicken Hut, just to see who was checking out Lynch,” Belichick said. “Apparently one homeless dude came by, but he couldn’t figure out a way to get John on the back of his bicycle. There was also a coach from Boston College who came to look at him, but didn’t think it was worth it, I guess. Maybe he’ll come back later. I think BC would be a good place for Lynch to end up, though they should be aware that there’s a coach from a local high school who may swing by and pick him up this afternoon. I dunno, it’ll be close.”

Belichick said watching all the interest in the Curb Alert almost makes him regret giving up on selling Lynch.

“It’s crazy, it’s almost enough to make us regret posting it as just a curb alert, to make us wish we had a few more days,” Belichick said. “But the thing is, sometimes people just don’t want to spend even five bucks for something, but the moment that it goes free, they love it. I think that’s the case with Lynch. As long as people can keep their wallets in their pocket, they’re going to be real interested in him, but if you ask them to reach for their cash, forget about it.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!