NBA to PETA: “Tell me how my ass tastes”

NEW YORK — Just a year after NBA’s on-again off-again synthetic ball fiasco, the league has again come face to face with PETA over it’s insistence on using leather balls for its games.

“We have been in discussions with PETA regarding our use of leather basketballs,” said David Stern, NBA commissioner. “They have again asked us to reconsider our position on using the leather balls in
place of synthetic models. I am happy to report that we have convened an exploratory committee to review this matter, and we have come to the following conclusion: ‘Hey, PETA, tell me how my ass tastes!’”

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Stern indicated that the NBA reviewed PETA’s request, but that it could not grant the change in ball again, due to the way it feels on the players’ hands.

“Look, we can’t have Jason Kidd’s fingers getting little blisters and cuts on them to save the lives of a couple thousand stupid cows,” Stern said. “The guy is an Olympic gold medalist, for goodness sakes.
It would be anti-American.”

Ingrid Newkirk, PETA’s founder and president, expressed tremendous disappointment at the NBA’s decision. “We are sad that the NBA has decided again to be so selfish and unprofessional regarding this
issue,” Newkirk said. “I didn’t want to have it come to this, but I must now inform the NBA that both PETA members who are also NBA fans will no longer be watching NBA games. If they won’t change because it’s the right thing to do, they can change because we are hitting them in the pocketbook.”

Stern was unmoved by Newkirk’s threat.

“You know what’s next to my pocketbook?” Stern said. “My ass. Which, you know, will make it easy, when she tells me how it tastes.”