Missouri legislature promotes Mizzou to NFL; removes Chiefs and Rams

JEFFERSON CITY, MO — In an unprecedented and likely illegal tour de force, the Missouri state legislature passed a bill today that would remove the Kansas City Chiefs and St. Louis Rams from the NFL and replace them with the Missouri Tigers college football team, presently ranked fifth in most national polls.

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“Mizzou is such a strong team right now that we felt they really earned this promotion,” said a State Senator who asked to remain nameless. “After all, this is the ‘Show Me State.’ Mizzou has shown us a lot, whereas the Chiefs and the Rams haven’t shown us anything. So they’re out.”

The Chiefs and Rams immediately filed objections with both the NFL and Big 12, where they will both now be playing, as well as with the State’s Attorney General. As of yet, their grievances have not been heard, but many experts feel they will fall on deaf ears.

“Playing in the NFL is a privilege, not a right,” said Dr. John Johnston, a political science professor at Washington University in St. Louis. “You don’t just get to play in the NFL year after year if you suck, just because you’re already in the NFL. I think the movement of these two teams to the Big 12 is exactly what they need to get back on track.”

According to Big 12 officials, they’re “ecstatic” to have the Chiefs and Rams join the conference, though the fact that they’re trading one team for two presents some problems.

“Yes, it’s a bit problematic for us, that there’s two teams joining and only one team leaving,” said Big 12 commissioner Dan Beebe. “We thought for a second about having 13 teams in the Big 12, but we decided that was so stupid–who’d ever think to have a number of teams that didn’t match the name of the conference. Retarded, right?”

In the end, the Big 12 came up with two solutions, which they are weighing.

“The first solution is to have the Chiefs and Rams combine as one team, and make that be the team that replaces Mizzou,” Beebe said. “But I like our second option better, which is to have the two teams and Iowa State have a three-way play-in for the final spot. Sure, it will probably end up with the Rams missing out, but hey–at least they won’t have an excuse.”

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said the NFL would be awaiting word from lawmakers as to whether this move was actually legal.

“We’ve consulted some attorneys and others, and we’re waiting for word, before we get too excited,” Goodell said. “But in the meantime, let me say ‘Welcome, Mizzou!’ The Tigers‘ high-flying play and exciting offense is going to be a wonderful addition to the NFL, and I can’t wait to flip on the tube on weekends to see the black-and-gold faithful watching their team on Sundays. This is the best day in the history of the NFL!”