Millen joins McCain campaign

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Recently dismissed from his controversial tenure as President and CEO of the Detroit Lions, NFL pariah Matt Millen has announced he will be temporarily putting his football career on hold and will become a senior adviser for Republican nominee John McCain in his bid for the White House.

McCain’s campaign has lost ground in the national polls as of late, thanks to the struggling economy, and many hope that Millen’s addition to the staff will end John McCain’s campaign once and for all give the campaign the shot of adrenaline it seems to need. Millen, who boasts a 31-84 record during his tenure with the Lions, including an 0-3 start to this season, is slated to become McCain’s right-hand man in the last weeks leading up to the election on November 4.

Millen, a lifelong Republican, was kind enough to outline his proposed strategy for the McCain campaign:

“Firstly, someone has to call up Ronald Reagan. I don’t think he’s endorsed John yet. We need to get him out here, have a little ‘passing the torch’ ceremony. Second, I think both candidates need to sit down and have a long talk about that Saddam Hussein fella. He’s no good, and the United States needs to raise that awareness to the world. And finally, this team’s missing a solid running back; we’re relying too much on our passing game.”

The former pro-bowler also admitted that he wasn’t opposed to viewing this election cycle as a building year for the GOP. “If we lose, which we very well might, we get the #1 pick in the draft, and move on from there. I’m telling you, this team is one more solid player away from being a legitimate contender. And if my time in the NFL taught me anything it’s that you can never have too many top picks.”

Millen also took time to comment on Senator McCain’s running mate Sarah Palin, saying, “As you know, I am a superb judge of both character and abilities. When I see Sarah Palin, I think of Joey Harrington, Charles Rogers, and Mike Williams. Some people just have it.”

Millen went on to tell SSNN that his lifelong love of politics was forced to take a backseat when he was drafted by the Raiders in 1980. For the next two decades Millen immersed himself in the football world, as a player, analyst, and president. Millen admits that football had taken time away from following politics as closely as he would have liked, but does admit that working closely with John McCain has been a fantasy of his since he was young:

“I remember when I was a little boy I would read about how John McCain helped free the slaves in school and then would go home and watch him fight the communists on TV. He has been my political and personal role model ever since.”

At press time, however, it appears Millen’s impact on the GOP campaign has been negligible: Polls taken now show 99 percent of all registered voters in Michigan intend to vote Democrat, with the other 1 percent having killed themselves in the past six years.

Reports to SSNN indicate that, should he be elected, McCain will likely reward Millen with a senior position, potentially as Secretary of State.

“This is an individual who has handled responsibility and controversy,” McCain said. “He deserves everything that he’s getting. You think Sarah Palin’s experienced, you should see this guy! He’s run the Detroit Lions for seven years; how much more experience can you get?”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!