McCain wants to postpone debate until fantasy baseball season is over

OXFORD, MS — Citing the unbelievable pressures facing most fantasy baseball playing Americans and the heady times that are coming up this weekend, John McCain has proposed that the presidential debate between he and democratic candidate Barack Obama be postponed until after the season.

“Citing the unique challenges facing Americans, financially and fantasy-related, and the millions of people who don’t know which way to turn these days, I believe we should postpone the debate,” McCain said. “Many of my fellow citizens have no idea what to do next. Should they try and sell their house, or try and refinance? Should they start John Lackey or Ben Sheets. Sheets has been injured, remember?”

McCain said these are once-in-a-generation questions that require serious thought, and that having a debate will prevent him from focusing on them.

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“Check it out,” McCain said. “What if it’s in the middle of the debate, and I get a news alert that the Marlins and Mets game is going to be rained out, which means that I won’t get any stats from Hanley Ramirez or Jorge Cantu? Well, obviously I’m going to want to put in Kaz Matsui at MI and someone like Troy Glaus at 3B, right? So I’m supposed to risk that just to have a debate in front of millions of Americans?

“These are desperate times for a lot of people,” McCain said. “Those of us who play fantasy baseball are probably the most desperate right now. The world is very complicated, and it’s what I call a one-steal world–as in, one steal can make all the difference. Bottom line is that you have to make sure your damn lineup is set.”

When asked why he doesn’t just have one of his aides set his lineup, McCain scoffed.

“Would you let someone else have sex with your wife?” he snorted. “I didn’t think so. My friends, nobody touches my fantasy team except me.”