McCain makes waiver claim on Paul Hornung

WASHINGTON, DC — In an effort to demonstrate that he’s not out of touch with the average American and also demonstrate some of his rapidly developing computer skills, John McCain has forced his way into the U.S. Senate Fantasy Football League (USFFL).

“I really felt like joining the fantasy league would be a good way to show my friends, the American citizens, that I’m just one of them,” McCain said. “Sure, I have like 10 houses and 40 cars, but I’m just your regular guy. I play fantasy football, on my computer, just like you.”

According to league commissioner John Kerry (D-Mass.), McCain is a little slow learning.

“Well, not being able to use a computer makes it really difficult to play fantasy football,” Kerry said. “He’s been basically calling me with this list of players that he wants to ‘buy’ every week. So I have to go through and process his waiver claims. Apparently that’s what he thinks it means to use a computer–to tell someone to do something who has a computer.

“But that’s not even the worst part,” Kerry continued. “A lot of his waiver moves are for players who haven’t played in dozens of years; in many cases they are actually dead. One of two things is going on here–either he hasn’t watched a football game in 30 years, or he’s frozen in 1975 and we’re just supposed to deal with that.”

The drama really escalated when McCain put in a waiver request for Green Bay Packers RB/PK Paul Hornung, citing his two Super Bowls and unbelievable versatility, even though Hornung hasn’t played in nearly half a century.

“He wanted Hornung because he scored both as a tailback and a kicker,” said leaguemate Christopher Dodd, D-CN. “Which demonstrates both his unbelievable age and also his total lack of understanding of how fantasy football is played; neither of which is a quality you want in a president.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!