Matt Cassel prays science experiment ends world before Sunday

FOXBORO, MA—Newly-minted Patriots starting QB Matt Cassel has begun to pray that the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) experiment in Geneva, Switzerland induces a cataclysmic reaction and ending all life on the solar system, preferably before Sunday’s game against the Jets, despite repeated assurances from the project’s leaders that there was virtually no chance of such a catastrophe happening.

“I know it’s a stretch, but right now I’ll take anything,” a visibly nervous and pale Cassel told SSNN. “Something, anything, to get me out of Sunday’s game without losing face. I think most of the fans in Boston will accept that the end of the world is an unfortunate occurrence I have no control over.”

The LHC, built by CERN, the European Organization for Nuclear Research, was made with the intent of replicating on a small scale the Big Bang and the first moments of the universe. Critics fear that the experiment could cause the creation of a black hole, and thus eviscerate all life on the planet Earth. The majority of the scientific community, however, rejects these fears as being highly unlikely.

LHC project lead Lyn Evans told SSNN. “We’ve taken every precaution. Nothing bad is going to happen. Which sucks for [Cassel] because the end of the world as we know it is the only way he’s can back out of this and still be able to show his face in public.”

Star wideout and amateur physicist Randy Moss attempted reassure his new QB that the odds of a doomsday scenario were miniscule. “The conditions created by the LHC experiment occur naturally in the universe with no consequence,” Moss explained. “The scientific community has overwhelmingly concluded that there is powerful empirical evidence against the possibility of dangerous strangelet production. Besides, the second law of thermodynamics precludes the formation of a cold cond ensate that is an order of magnitude cooler than the surrounding medium, so at this point there really is little chance of anything bad happening.”

Cassel, however, was unremitting in his hope for apocalyptic doom.

“I gotta believe,” he said. “Belief is what motivates an athlete. When I was backing Carson Palmer and Matt Leinart, I believed. When I backed up Tom Brady, I believed. And now that I’m facing my start since high school, I’m gonna believe that we’re all gonna die and no one will boo me.”

Bill Belichick was once rumored to be working on a doomsday device—eviscerating everything on earth except for himself the Lombardi Trophy—but the Patriots organization has quashed such rumors, saying Belichick only possessed resources to destroy “half the world at best.”

For his part, Cassel’s predecessor Tom Brady admitted that he knows little about science, but for Cassel’s sake he hopes that the passage of time will come to a screeching halt before kickoff.

“I love the kid, but he’s taking over for the greatest quarterback ever, not to mention a sex god the likes of which the world has never seen. The universe collapsing upon itself might be the most graceful exit he can make at this point.”

Cassel has admitted that the LHC experiment was not the only opportunity for global disaster, and cited his additional hopes of WWIII, Hurricane Ike, and Jesus Christ returning to Earth as other possible scenarios he has considered.

“It’s a chaotic world, and hopefully things will pull out for the best. And by best, I mean apocalyptic.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!