Martin Luther causes rift with Church over instant replay

WITTENBERG, GERMANY—German monk Martin Luther created a firestorm of controversy the other day when he unabashedly and publicly nailed to a church door his 95 arguments for the Church’s adoption of instant replay in Papal League Baseball. Instant replay has repeatedly been condemned by the Holy See as a heresy against the fundamental laws of baseball, and Luther faces excommunication or death as punishment.

“His Holiness can no longer afford to pretend t hat game-altering mistakes are being made every day in our league,” Luther wrote. “To not institute instant replay is an insult to God Almighty and more importantly to the most holy and magnificent game of baseball.”

Unsurprisingly, the reaction to Luther’s complaints was strong from the Vatican.

“Instant replay is damnable heresy,” said Fr. Candid Herzgod. “Satan’s lies have successfully corrupted Martin’s soul. He must repent or face eternity in the lake of fire.”

“His Holiness will deal with Mr. Luther soon enough,” said close Vatican aide Fr. Peter Terzal. “Of all the threats to the glory of Papal League Baseball, there exist none worse than that of instant replay. Umpires have been blessed by the Holy Father and are infallible when they take the field. To question their rulings is to question God Himself. And to question Him is to ensure eternal hellfire for oneself.”

Nevertheless, many people in Europe have agreed with Martin’s stance, and a growing movement is clamoring to see them initiated.

“I mean, did you see last week’s game, Rome vs. Bavaria? The game-winning double was clearly foul, but because there’s no one to take a second look, Rome walks away with a victory. The league needs some serious reformation, or else it will lose credibility with the fans,” said Charles Curvent of Paris.

“I’m starting to question the claim that the umpires are infallible,” said one woman too afraid to reveal her name. “I’ve seen them make mistakes all the time, but I keep getting told that they are so blessed they cannot fail! I’m starting to question the Church’s validity and judgment.”

Despite the growing danger of a schism forming over the issue, the Church has held firm.

“It is astounding that a common monk can challenge the Church’s rulings,” said Cardinal Joseph Prontase. “The church has no room to compromise on this issue. Questioning the validity of instant replay will lead to other heresies, including, Christ forbid—the Designated Hitter.”

Luther specifically addressed the issue of a DH in his papers, affirming that it was a “blasphemous and wicked practice” that promoted “sloth, greed, and triviality” but maintained that instant replay was a more perfect solution to the problems of missed calls.

To date, 14 people have been burned at the stake for promoting instant replay, and another 8 have had their tongues cut off. This is arguably the largest controversy in baseball since Joan of Arc claimed God told her to form a playoff system, resulting in her being burned at the stake.

The man at the center of the controversy, Martin Luther himself, told SSNN that he is unafraid of Pope Leo X’s retribution. “My conscience dictates to me what is right. I cannot stand by while the good game of baseball is defiled by those who act out of their own selfish desires and not out of obedience to the inherent truths of Abner Doubleday (blessings and peace be upon Him). Even if I should die for my beliefs, I am unafraid, for I know that it is what He would have done.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!