Man decides to give fantasy hockey “a try”

BENNINGTON, NY—Area man Steve Placer, known locally for his expertise in fantasy football and baseball, has, at the request of a close friend, decided to give fantasy hockey a try. The incursion into the world of fantasy hockey marks the first time since 1st grade that Placer has shown even the slightest interest in the sport, when his parents took him to the local ice rink.

“I don’t really follow hockey,” admitted Placer. “It basically seems like soccer only on ice. And soccer sucks.”

Placer, described by friends and family as a hardcore sports follower, has shown little interest in the niche sport, and freely admits he can name no more than three active players in the NHL.

“I know that Sidney Crosby guy, he’s supposed to be sick. And that Russian dude, the one who’s retarded or something. And Patrick Roy. Oh, he retired?” commented Placer. “That’s all I’ve got.”

Placer was convinced by his lifelong friend Dave O’Neil to give the fantasy sport a try, agreeing mainly to get Dave to stop “bugging [him].” O’Neil has been an active hockey enthusiast for most of his life, starring on his high school team, and is a diehard Buffalo Sabres fan.

“I’ve been trying to get Steve to join our league for years,” O’Neil told SSNN. “I don’t understand why he never got into hockey. He loves sports. He probably doesn’t like it for some stupid reason, like not being able to draw flies for ratings or being the only professional sport in North American history to cancel an entire season over labor disputes, something dumb like that.”

Placer’s announcement was met with approval from the other members of O’Neil’s league. Mike Blake, apparently under the impression that his good friend was as knowledgeable on hockey as he was in other sports, told SSNN that he looks forward to the enhanced competition. “Steve dominates our fantasy and baseball leagues. I’m excited to see how he’ll do in a slightly different setting.”

O’Neil’s league, tentatively named “DaveONeilIsFuckingAwesome” has scheduled their draft for Friday at 6:45 pm. Placer has confided to SSNN that instead of doing the proper research, he will simply pick and choose players at random, with the hope that he chooses at least a few good ones.

Placer also admits that he is still rather unclear about how the scoring system would work.

“I mean goals, obviously. Assists too. Um…fight’s started? Teeth lost? I don’t really know what else you’d have to go on.”

Regardless, O’Neil says he is looking forward to playing fantasy sports with his friend on his own terms, and perhaps one-upping the friend who has consistently beaten him in competitions throughout their lives.

“He thinks he’s the man when he runs the table in fantasy football,” said a smirking O’Neil. “Well, in this imaginary sport, I run shit, not him.”

Placer was optimistic.

“I really hope I get Sidney Crosby,” Placer said. “He’s a fantasy monster!”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!