Man accidentally takes fiance to Nats/Phillies game on “Cole Hamels nails every chick in the place” night

WASHINGTON, DC — When Matt Dempster thought he’d take his fiance, McKenna, to a Washington Nationals game, he thought it’d be fun to take her to see her hometown Phillies when they were in town. Little did Dempster realize that he had actually brought McKenna to “Cole Hamels nails every chick in the place night,” which is a new promotion that was launched in conjunction with the visit from the debonair, star pitcher of the Phillies.

“Yeah, I had no idea that McKenna would get the opportunity to be nailed by King Cole,” Matt Dempster said. “She was obviously very excited when we arrived and found out. She got in line immediately.”

There were 8,737 women at the Nationals’ ballpark yesterday, a daunting task for Hamels, who was also scheduled to pitch. According to reports he nailed 6,277 women before the game, but then had to cut his efforts short so he could dominate the Nationals for 7 1/3 innings. He nailed the remaining 2,460 women after the game.

“It was pretty tiring,” Hamels said. “That’s why I only threw 7 1/3 shutout innings yesterday. You know, ordinarily, against a team like the Nationals, I’d probably throw 12 or 13 innings. But nailing over 8,700 chicks in one day takes a lot of energy. I have never nailed more than about 8,200, so I guess this is a new record.”

According to McKenna, this was one of the great opportunities of her life.

“Listen, I love Matt, I really do,” McKenna said. “But there are certain proficiencies that King Cole has that Matt cannot compete with. So the fact that he realizes his limitations so clearly and that he allows me to go forth and satisfy my needs and take the opportunity to get nailed by someone like King Cole–well, that makes me love him even more.”

Reports indicate that the night was so wildly successful that many teams are planning on implementing the same sort of event.

“It’s pretty rare, I guess, for a visiting player to have a promotion at a ballpark,” Hamels said. “At least that’s what I hear. But this is like the fifth time that they’ve had ‘Cole Hamels nails every chick in the place night’ at a different ballpark. So, you know, I just sort of go along with it. Whatever’s good for the game.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!