LPGA rewrites English-only rules

SOMEWHERE — The Ladies Professional Golf Association has rewritten some key program rules recently, following some language problems among the athletes.

Originally, LPGA Tour commish Carolyn Bivens approved a mandate stating that all athletes must speak English during the tours, under penalty of heavy fines and/or suspensions. When many players, coaches, and sponsors responded with everything from incredulity to angry lawsuits, Bivens agreed to temporarily lift the mandate. However, a source close to the situation has revealed exclusively to SSNN that Bivens is currently writing a new law to replace it: that all LPGA players now have to be American.

“As it is now,” our source said, “the LPGA hosts players from twenty-six different countries, most of them non-English speaking. Frankly, we just think that’s too many, so we’re gonna eliminate all non-American competitors. The best part is that that’ll naturally take care of the non-English-speaking problem, and the non-Americans-winning problem. Everyone views this as a win-win situation.”

The source was referring to the fact that three out of four majors played this year were won by Asian competitors. He added that they were still working out the details, but it looks like all tournaments will open with a fifteen minute medley of the Star-Spangled Banner, God Bless America, My Country Tis of Thee, Proud to be an American, and This Land is Your Land. The medley will culminate with a rousing five minutes of USA! USA! USA! chants.

“It’s gonna be really awesome,” he said. “Every country is gonna be so jealous of us.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!