Local man can’t quite explain why he wants to see Chris Cooley’s schlong so badly

TOWSON, MD — Local Redskins fan John Simpson is a bit confused today after spending a solid four hours searching online for a picture of Chris Cooley’s schlong.

“I’m not gay,” Simpson said. “I’m just, you know, interested. An athlete on my favorite team puts a picture of their ding-a-ling on the Internets, I’m going to look for it. That’s just sort of a fact. But I assure you, I’m not gay.”

Simpson, who says that he “nails a ton of really hot chicks,” woke up early on Tuesday with the intention of locating the picture of Chris Cooley’s penis, which was mistakenly put online Sunday by the Redskins tight end. The picture was taken down and has been widely replaced with a special picture that contains a Redskins helmet covering the tight end’s genitalia. However, Simpson is very interested in seeing the original.

“This is not normal for me,” Simpson said. “I just don’t go around looking at pictures of other dudes’ twigs and berries. But I just really want to see what it looks like, so I’ve been looking around for a long time, just trying to find it. Right now, it’s almost more about actually locating it than really getting to see what’s there. You know, the thrill of the chase. Also, I just really wanna see what his bazooka looks like.”

Simpson apparently realized what he was doing when his roommate went to use the search box at the upper right hand corner of their Internet browser and became alarmed.

“You know how it prepopulates with your recent searches?” asked Devon McGregor, Simpson’s roommate of two years. “Well, I looked and I saw all these searches — Chris Cooley penis; Chris Cooley johnson; Chris Cooley cock shot; Chris Cooley junk; how big is Chris Cooley’s penis?; is Chris Cooley married; does Chris Cooley have sex with Redskins fans — and I was just sort of like, ‘What the F?’ So I went over to John and I go, ‘Are you gay?’ He said ‘No.’ So I asked, ‘Did you do like 100 web searches about Chris Cooley’s rod?’ He goes, ‘Yeah, I guess.’ I asked him why, and he said he didn’t know, but that he definitely wasn’t gay. You know what? I believe him. I kind of want to see Chris Cooley’s miniature baseball bat myself.”

The roommates, who were scheduled to go grocery shopping on Tuesday night, are instead planning on spending the evening searching for the elusive picture.

“We got a good lead on it from our friend Tate,” Simpson said. “So we’re going to see if that pans out. I’m not sure what we’re going to do if we find it–it’ll be like finding the holy grail or something, only better, and probably more golden.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!