Lance Armstrong goes for bike ride in France, ends up unretired

PARIS, FRANCE—A pleasant bikeride through the Parisian countryside quickly became awkward for Lance Armstrong, when rumors began to spread that the famous cyclist was returning to professional competition.

“I thought I’d go for a nice ride through the countryside of France, just before winter starts, and all of a sudden I’m training for the Tour de France,” the seven-time Tour de France champion told SSNN. “Granted, I was more or less following the same route, but that was a total coincidence.”

Armstrong says things got out of hand when he stopped at a café just outside of Paris.

“It started like wildfire. I just stopped at a roadside café for a bite to eat and when someone recognized me he just flipped shit,” the cancer activist reported. “I tried to tell him that I was just passing through, but I don’t actually speak French so I guess it didn’t matter. He called his friends, and they called their friends and suddenly I’ve released a statement saying I’m coming back. It was like playing ‘Telephone,’ only I didn’t actually say anything.”

Lance’s account of events jibes heavily with those of purported witnesses. One man, Jacques Tussard, told SSNNFrance, “He came out of nowhere on a bike made of solid gold, drove it into the middle of a crowd of people got off and roared ‘I AM A GOLDEN GOD! MY FLESH IS ETERNAL, MY THIRST IS UNQUENCHABLE, MY VENGEANCE IS SWIFT AND PAINFUL AND I HAVE COME BACK TO CLAIM WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY MINE!!’ It was pretty intense.”

Armstrong’s agent Bill Stapleton admitted to SSNN that he felt pressured to confirm the rumors. “I assumed I must have fucked up somehow, like misplaced a memo or something. So basically I just confirmed it, because there’s no way the whole country of France could fuck up something that bad could they? Well, actually…”

Despite his attempts to rectify the situation, Armstrong does admit that now that the idea has been thrown out, he might as well go through with it.

“I’m obviously gonna win it, I’m Lance Armstrong, for Goodness sakes. Besides, the whole un-retirement thing seems to be working just fine for Brett Favre. I must say, though, if I get offered $20 million to not show up, I’m jumping at that.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!