LANCE ARMSTRONG ASSUMED THE TOUR DE FRANCE WAS CANCELED IN HIS ABSENCE

AUSTIN, TX—Lance Armstrong, seven-time Tour de France winner and noted cancer activist, has decided to un-retire and reenter the world of professional cycling in the hopes that his doing so will force the reestablishment of Tour de France, which Lance believes was cancelled following his retirement.

“I don’t feel that young cyclists are being given the same chance I was given,” a statement released by Armstrong read. The cancellation of the Tour de France in my honor was wonderful, but I feel the time has come where it needs to be returned. And if my reentry into professional cycling is what is necessary, than I will gladly do it.”

In an exclusive interview with SSNN, Armstrong said, “I understand where they’re coming from. I was the world’s greatest cyclist—maybe the greatest who ever lived. Wayne Gretzky had his number 99 retired by the whole league and I had the Tour de France retired. However, I miss watching the Tour every summer, and I feel that depriving the cyclists of the world of its biggest is unnecessary. Even if I don’t win, it won’t matter. The point is for cyclists in their prime to compete for the world to watch, and what kind of a person would I be if I didn’t do what I could to allow that?”

Armstrong does admit, however, that cycling seemed to fall apart rather unceremoniously following his retirement.

“I mean, I wasn’t even told that they ended the Tour. There wasn’t even a ceremony or anything. It must have been too emotional for them. It’s hard to retire something that’s been around for that long. But still, they couldn’t drop me a line or something? You usually tell the person that you’re honoring them. Imagine retiring Jordan’s 23 and not telling him? Embarrassing…”

Many sports analysts praised the move, saying the resurgence of the Tour would do wonders for the sport. ESPN personality Bob Ley commented, “Cycling has ceased to be the dominant force in American sports that it used to be. Lance’s return, and the Tour brought back to life is just the shot of adrenaline that the sport needs.”

The reaction by fans on the street was also warm towards Lance’s decision, especially among those who also believe that the Tour was canceled after 2005. New York resident and sporting enthusiast Mark Carmena told SSNN, “Cycling was starting to embarrass itself; it was almost as bad as hockey. Now that the greatest who ever rode is coming back, the sport is definitely on the rebound.”

“I think it’s good they’re brining the Tour back,” said Jane Chriska of Chicago. “I always enjoyed watching the Americans win when I was a little girl. I hope it lives up to the expectations, however. I would hate for it to turn into a sad shadow of what it once was. Still, with Lance in it, I have high hopes.”

However, unconfirmed reports have begun circulating from SSNN France that the Tour de France was never cancelled and in fact remains as popular as ever in that country. Due to acrimonious relationships between the two offices, their reports have been ignored.

SSNN’s cycling expert also emerged from his office in the crawlspace beneath the sink to confirm that the Tour had not been cancelled, but simply has been ignored by American media outlets since Armstrong’s retirement. He was promptly expelled from the building and had his Eddy Mercx jersey confiscated.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!