Josh Howard refuses to bow to Queen of England

LONDON, ENGLAND—Dallas Mavericks Small forward Josh Howard found himself embroiled in yet another controversy yesterday during a team trip to the United Kingdom. The Mavericks had the honor of meeting Her Majesty Elizabeth II during a private tour of Buckingham Palace. As is customary, every player and coach bowed to Queen Elizabeth in her presence. Everyone, that is, except for Howard.

”I don’t play that shit. I’m black,” Howard is reported to have said. ”I don’t bow to nothing, man. That’s not how I roll.”

Mavericks owner Mark Cuban, normally not the most straight-laced of businessmen, was horrified.

”There we were, all bowing to the queen and Josh is just standing there all stone-faced with his arms crossed. Josh isn’t the brightest of the group, so I assumed he wasn’t paying attention. I was like ‘Josh, you asshole, bow!’ and he was just like ‘Fuck no, b.’ I almost wet myself.”

Despite bowing no longer being a requirement for being in the presence of the queen, the team was promptly expelled from the building, largely due to Howard’s continuing profanity-laced diatribes against bowing, monarchism, capitalism, and old people.

”The queen ain’t done nothing for me, man,” said the multi-millionaire. ”Josh Howard answers to Josh Howard, dawg. What’s this thing with bowing, anyway? Just shake my hand like a man, on the real. Gimmie a fist pound, something. Old white lady thinks she’s better than me.”

When it was pointed out that the queen commands a position of international respect and prestige and also happens to be commander-in-chief of one of the world’s most formidable militaries, Howard was rather cavalier:

”So what, man? I have a career average of 15 points and 6.4 rebounds. I was an all-rookie in 2004. When you boil it down, we’re basically on the level. And I have to bow to her? Fuck no. If anything, she can bow to Josh Howard.”
A statement released by the Royal Family, while not addressing Howard by name, did comment on the situation, in part:

”Her Majesty was both partially amused and disgusted by the actions of the American in question, but does admit that the athlete showed more grace and tact than President Bush, who upon meeting Her Majesty for the first time made himself prostrate and began to pray to her.”

Other things Howard is alleged to have disrespected in his time in the UK were Big Ben (”I don’t even tell time, man”), Stonehenge, (”I don’t even care about giant rocks, man”) and London Tower (”I don’t even fear torture and death, man”), all rationalized with the explanation that he was black.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!