Josh Howard joins Al-Qaeda

DALLAS, TX–Fresh off his recently uncovered disparaging remarks about the national anthem and subsequent media controversy, Dallas Mavericks small forward Josh Howard announced yesterday that he would be giving up his stardom in the NBA for a more unorthodox career—one with Al-Qaeda, the infamous worldwide terrorist organization. Howard will be deployed to an undisclosed location somewhere in the Middle East where he plans to begin his training to become a jihad warrior in the crusade against the Great Satan, the United States.

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”Josh just felt that he could no longer stand to be in such a vile and immoral pit of decadence like the United States,” Howard’s agent told SSNN. ”He felt that he needed to take a moral stand on the issue and is now fully committed to driving the perilous forces of American Imperialism from the lands of Allah and His prophet Mohammed, blessings and peace be upon Him.”

”I don’t play this shit. I’m black. The U.S. is not how I roll. Thug Life and Jihad, bitches,” Howard said.

Al-Qaeda spokesperson Tarik Mohammed al-Fulani was enthused about Howard’s decision, telling SSNN, ”Josh brings the type of tenacity, grit, determination, and hatred of America we like to see in our holy warriors.” He also assured SSNN that despite being a rich American he would not be subject to special treatment. ”He’ll have to fight for his 72 virgins like the rest of them,” he said. ”We don’t play favorites here.”

Many of Howard’s teammates were stunned by the all-star’s decision to leave behind a life of luxury and adulation for a cave in a war-torn country.

”I mean, he was never shy about his political opinions, sure. Going on and on about how the country that made him a millionaire was a capitalist-driven pile of filth, but I think this is taking it a bit too far,” said PG Jason Kidd.

”I’m pretty sure Josh isn’t Muslim,” commented Dirk Nowitzki. ”But I guess he’ll be able to get by on his passionate distaste of America. Well, at least I hope so.”

When asked how he plans to adjust to the life of a guerrilla fighter, a far cry from the life he has been used to living, Howard responded, ”It ain’t no different from the streets, man. I mean, from what I’ve heard about the streets. I’ve never actually lived on the streets, but I hear it’s tough. Anyways, I’ll have no trouble adjusting. As long as I got my iPod and a good supply of Reese’s Pieces, I’ll be just fine.”

Howard also admits he has little experience with firearms, (”My bodyguard once let me shoot a stop sign with his glock,” he commented) but doesn’t feel that will hamper him either. ”Just like the movies, man. Load up, fire off a couple hundred rounds, kill bad guys and then go look for some women to celebrate with,” evidently unaware of the highly-conservative culture he was about to immerse himself in.

Mavericks owner Mark Cuban said while he felt ”horrified and disgusted” by Howard’s choice he would still support his former employee. ”I’m hoping the second he arrives in Iraq or Afghanistan he shits himself and begs to come back.”

Not a chance, says Howard. ”As long as I get to burn a few flags, kill some Imperialist scum, and kick back a few brews with my new homies, I’ma be just fine.”