Jeremy Shockey to miss 4-6 weeks with penis chapping

NEW ORLEANS, LA — The New Orleans Saints revealed today that Jeremy Shockey will miss a month or more with hernia surgery, though sources close to the team report that the problem is much more severe.

“It seems that Jeremy has a severe case of penis chapping,” said one teammate who preferred to be nameless. “This is a common problem in the NFL, and I understand that Jeremy has had issues with this before. Coming to New Orleans, it seems, with its high stripper and slutty chick population, seems to have exacerbated the condition. He now has a full-on case of chapping, and I’m not sure it’s going to go away any time soon.”

Shockey himself reluctantly admitted to SSNN that he is indeed suffering from chapped penis, and he’s worried.

“Apparently, ’sports hernia’ is code for chapped dick,” Shockey said. “I’m just wore out in the groin region. When I left New York I decided to stop using rubbers, you know, riding bareback instead. I guess this is the price you pay.”

Teams using euphemisms for potentially embarrassing injuries is not new — for years, “flu-like symptoms” has been used in lieu of “hungover as fuck,” and groin injuries are often covers for “my mistress rubbed icy hot on my nutsack.” However, this is the first that Shockey has heard of it, and he’s not happy.

“Why can’t they just be proud of me?” Shockey said. “Why can’t they say, ‘We brought in this big tight end, and he nailed every chick in Louisiana and half of Mississippi, and he’s gonna keep going?’ Why can’t they just say that?”

Saints officials refused to comment to SSNN.

This is not the first time that an NFLer has succumbed to chapped penis. Recently, Travis Henry faced a career threatening case of chapped penis, which often has a side effect of having to pay a lot of child support.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!