Jeff Garcia to miss today’s game with sore ankle, limp wrist

TAMPA BAY, FL — Buccaneers quarterback Jeff Garcia is out today with a sore ankle and a limp wrist, and will miss today’s showdown with the Atlanta Falcons.

“Yes, I can report that Garcia has a sore ankle that will keep him from playing today,” said Jon Gruden, coach of the Bucs. “He also has a very limp wrist.”

When asked if it was the wrist or the ankle that was causing Garcia to miss the game, Gruden explained his comments.

“Oh, no, no, no no no, it’s the ankle, definitely,” Gruden said. “I apologize for any confusion. I was just mentioning the limp wrist as a sign of his effeminate nature. That’s not an injury, I don’t think. More like a flaw in his makeup. Anyway, that alone doesn’t generally keep him out of the lineup, so it’s definitely the ankle.”

Gruden indicated that the team is hoping that the wrist “issue” heals itself at the same the ankle heals.

“You know how sometimes when you take apart a Nintendo controller to fix a clicking sound, the joystick starts to work a little bit better?” Gruden said. “That’s sort of what we’re hoping for here. Like, have his ankle healed, and all of a sudden him be a lot more manly and less girl-like. Would be kind of nice, no?”

Garcia said he’s going to be focused only on the health of his ankle, and he’ll let the rest of the chips fall where they may.

“During my injury time, I’m focused on one thing: getting my ankle healthy,” Garcia said. “No matter what I do, that’s what I want to get better. If I have other time, then I may work on some other stuff in my life. Like I really want to re-do my closets in my house, and I’ve got to go and buy some new distressed ’skinny jeans.’ I guess I can also work on the wrist thing, too.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!