Evangelicals take credit for Tampa Bay playoff berth

TAMPA BAY, FL — Christian evangelicals across the country are rejoicing today as the Tampa Bay Rays have made the playoffs, an event for which evangelicals are taking complete credit.

“See what happens when you get the Devil out of you?” asked pastor Lukas Mark Smithers of the Jesus is Lord Church of Pensacola, Fla. “When you get right with God, nothing can stop you. The Tampa Bay Rays excommunicated the Devil from their name, and now they’re going to the playoffs for the first time ever. Embrace Jesus, and he’ll embrace you.”

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Tampa Bay, after 9 years as the Devil Rays, changed their name this year to the Rays, and the results have been astounding. The team has won over 90 games and is headed to the playoffs for the first time in franchise history.

“You wanna talk about opportunity?” Smithers asked. “You want to talk about God showing you the light and saying, ‘Walk down this road, and you’ll be taken care of?’ Well, this is it. Check it, if you’re the New Jersey Devils, you’ve got to be thinking about how many Stanley Cup Titles you can guarantee yourself by changing your team name.”

Smithers says that he’d like many other teams to change their names in accordance with God’s wishes.

“God wants us all to have clean names,” Smithers said. “Take my name. It’s clean. Pure. Christian. From the bible. It’s perfect.”

Smithers also indicated that he thinks many other teams whose names don’t directly address Satan should still think about changing their name, like the Utah Jazz.

“Jazz is the devil’s soundtrack,” Smithers said. “Also, I have a problem with the name ‘Patriots.’ How can you love God if you love your country so much?”