Detroit Shock wins third consecutive WNBA title, according to eyewitness account

DETROIT, MI—The WNBA, long believed to have gone the way of the dodo and the XFL, has been the subject of intense underground rumors of late, specifically concerning the legendary Detroit Shock who, despite being declared extinct over 10 years ago, are being said to have won their third straight title. The claims fly in the face of what experts call “overwhelming and irrefutable evidence” that the WNBA has been dead for many years.

“The WNBA is a myth,” said basketball historian Chris Gogol. “It’s a fable told to little girls to inspire them to be something great until they grow up and enter into a disastrous marriage. Yes, it is true that at one time there was a g roup of women who referred to themselves as the Women’s National Basketball Association. But that group was short-lived and bears little to no relation to the group of mythology.”

The flow of unconfirmed reports varies widely, but almost all seem to agree that the Detroit Shock, legendary sister-team of the still-relevant Detroit Pistons, advanced to the WNBA finals for the third straight year and soundly defeated the San Antonio Silver Stars two-games-to-none in a best-of-three playoff. There does not appear to be a consensus on who the MVP was, but a large number of reports point to either Power forward Taj McWilliams-Franklin or San Antonio’s Point guard Katie Smith, the latter being rather unlikely as it appears her team lost.

“If these reports are true—which very clearly they’re not—then this would be a fantastic accomplishment for the Shock. Indeed, when the ‘league’ we remember did exist, the Shock were one of its powerhouse teams. Unfortunately nothing other than easily-fabricated ‘tickets’ and ‘jerseys’ exist to provide even the slimmest ray of hope that the WNBA still exists,” said Gogol.

Despite the damning testimony of experts, there remains a small but growing underground movement who claim that the fabled league has survived all these years.

A source who refuses to answer to anything but the alias “The Gopher” told SSNN that indeed, the WNBA still exists.

“Oh yes, the WNBA is still out there. They’ve been wounded, sure, but they’re just out there, biding there time until one day they’ll strike back. As long as there are women who love sports alive in America, there will be a WNBA, you mark my words.”

The last confirmed sighting of the WNBA occurred August 26th, 2000, when the Houston Comets defeated the New York Liberty in the championship game. In July, there were rumors of videotaped evidence of a WNBA fight, but this was later confirmed to be just Stephon Marbury pimp-smacking Isiah Thomas.

“The legends of old—Candace Parker, Diana Taurasi, Lisa Leslie—they’re all still out there. Granted, I’ve never actually seen them myself, but I’ve seen copies of the scorecards.

“They don’t even decide where the games are held until a few minutes before tip-off,” claimed the Gopher. “Not even the players themselves ever know the full picture. A shadowy group controls the league’s movement and they are damn good at keeping things under wraps.”

When asked how to confirm such rumors the Gopher simply said, “It’s like the Skull and Bones. You don’t find them, they find you.”

When asked to confirm or deny the existence of the WNBA, David Stern, the man who, according to legend, created the league, neither confirmed nor denied the reports, but instead went on a 15-minute nostalgic talk about the ‘good old days.’

“That’s one of his famous tactics,” said the Gopher. “Whenever someone brings the WNBA up, Mr. Stern famously loses all interest in the topic and begins to talk about something different entirely. Granted, he does that pretty much all the time, but he’s definitely hiding something with regards to the WNBA. He created it, and he knows exactly what goes on with it today.”

All attempts to track down alleged WNBA players have failed. A handful of old women who are believed to have once been part of the league have refused all interview requests. No formal records from the league survive, and the number of people who can attest to having once seen a WNBA game deteriorates with each passing day. Many historians consider the truth about the WNBA one of many events that have faded into the sands of time, lost forever.

In a desperate attempt at contacting the mythical organization SSNN’s research team was able to uncover an old tome, known as a “phone book” which allegedly contained detailed information, including contact info, on the prehistoric confederation. Much to their collective surprise a connection was made to the long-lost sports league, who responded that the WNBA finals hadn’t even started yet and offered to sell every SSNN employee front-row tickets for $8.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!