Co-worker won’t shut up about picking Michael Turner in the 10th round

HERSHEY, PA — Lavar Dickerson has enraged his fellow co-workers with his non-stop bragging about how he stole Atlanta Falcons RB Michael “The Burner” Turner in the 10th round of the company fantasy football league. Lavar was heard shouting “Fear the Falcon!” and “Mike Turner, motherfuckers!” throughout Jungle John’s Car Sales all day on Monday. “I can’t believe you morons let me steal him in the 10th round! 10th!!! That’s more than ninety picks before him. He destroyed everyone with 50 points. Forget Adrian Peterson and LT, Turner is the best back in the NFL!”

“All day Monday Lavar kept screaming about how Turner blew up for 220 yards and a couple of touchdowns,” assistant manager Glenn Harwood told SSNN. “It was really distracting and annoying, especially when it was my team that he beat! Talk about unprofessional. Lavar would come up to every customer who walked into the showroom and introduce himself as ‘Lavar, owner of the steal-of-the-draft Michael Turner. 10th round baby!’ Some customers would actually turn and run. He’s scary when he gets like this.”

Another co-worker was more scathing in his remarks.

Senior Salesman Kevin Kurtz ripped into Lavar. “After about six hours of hearing about Michael Turner I snapped. I cornered him in the break room and let him have it. I told him the only reason he [Turner] had a big game was because they were playing the Lions. A high school kid on crutches could run for over 200 yards on the Detroit defense. Wait until next week, or better yet week 8 and we’ll see how many more 50 point games he has. He’s a one week wonder. The Falcons still suck. They won’t do shit against real defenses like Tampa Bay and Carolina.”

Still, Lavar wouldn’t be silenced. “It’s all jealousy. That’s all it is. They fear the Dark Knights, led by their fearless Batman-like leader, Michael ‘The Burner Batman Two-Face’ Turner.”

“The Dark Knights is an obvious reference to the blockbuster movie that his team is named after,” detailer Noah Clevenger said. “It just shows how uncreative Lavar is. I mean the only reason he took Turner is because by round ten he had no running backs. His other running back is Ricky Williams. His team is nothing. I am calling for a league wide conspiracy against Lavar and his team. I say nobody trade with Lavar and we watch his team sink faster than the Titanic.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!