Chinese gymnasts looking forward to high school

BEIJING — In the wake of controversy surrounding the age of the Olympic Chinese gymnasts, SSNN exclusively overhead two members of the gold medal team, He Kexin, and Deng Linlin excitedly talking about how they “couldn’t wait to start high school omgponies!” The United States received the silver medal in the team competition, behind the Chinese.

Our reporter surreptitiously listened in while the girls discussed how happy they were to get started in the adult world. The IOC stipulates that all gymnasts must be turning sixteen in the Olympic year in order to be eligible, but typical high schoolers begin at fourteen.

After hearing the conversation, SSNN approached the two girls, asking them to clarify what they had been talking about.

“Of course we’re not sixteen,” Deng said with a smile, flashing a view of her missing baby tooth. “That’s not the point. The point is we have the best team, so we should win. Younger gymnasts are better to have on your team, because we’re not terrified to perform the fucked up stuff they make us do.”

He Kexin agreed with her teammate. “This is a communist nation. And the point of communism is that everyone is equal, and that’s what our fake birth certificates do—they make us equal to the other competitors. It makes perfect sense.”

SSNN’s calls to the Chinese gymnastics officials to confirm the stories went unanswered.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!