Woods returns from vacation to find 423 voicemails from PGA commissioner

JUPITER, FL — Upon returning home from a European vacation with his wife Elin and their daughter Sam, injured golfer Tiger Woods was surprised to find 423 voicemails from PGA Commissioner Tim Finchem on his answering machine.

“To be honest, I had sort of forgotten that the PGA Championship was this weekend,” Woods said. “So, yeah, I got home, and there were 424 messages on the machine. It turns out that Timmy really feels like I need to get back on the golf course as soon as possible – he even wanted me to play in the PGA. I’m like, ‘Dude, what part of ‘I have a torn ACL’ do you not understand?’”

Woods said that the only non-Finchem message was John Daly calling to borrow money. “Most of the messages were very short,” Woods said. “At first I thought it was a joke. I was thinking, ‘Well played, good sir.’ But after the 87^th message, I started to figure something else was going on. I mean, the guy really started to sound desperate.”

Finchem was unwilling to confirm or deny that he left messages for Woods. When reached for comment, the PGA Commissioner would say only that he is “concerned with the well-being of every player on the Tour,” and wants each one of them healthy, “to ensure competitive balance.”

“Most of the messages were like, ‘Hey, it’s me, just calling to check on the knee.’ To be honest, I didn’t really think we were close enough for him to say ‘it’s me’ on my machine, but whatever,” Woods said. “Anyway, there were about 123 of those. Then there were an additional 134 where he was basically offering me money and other sorts of things to come and play – things like all the Gatorade I can drink for a month; or, say, a new Buick. Which was nice, but I figured I’d pass.

“It got a little creepy towards the end, though. I mean, there were about 84 messages where he was just crying in the phone.”

Woods said it took three hours to get through the messages, but that he didn’t mind the inconvenience.

“I was kind of touched by the whole thing, as a gesture” Woods said. “It’s good to be wanted. Besides, I don’t even think he meant to call me 423 times – I think really only about 415 of them were directed to me.

“Once he accidentally ordered a pizza when he called. And a few times he butt-called me, and I just got to listen to a couple minutes of his day-to-day life on my machine. Ol’ dogg needs to learn to lock his phone.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!