Women’s gymnastics top-rated program among men 34-55 fitting FBI pedophile profile

NEW YORK, NY — The Nielsen Media Research Corporation has announced the ratings results of last week’s Olympic games.

The top-rated sport this time around was swimming – this came as no surprise, with Michael Phelps making history by winning eight gold medals. Basketball finished in a close second among American viewers.

The big surprise, however, was the third most popular events. Gymnastics, which has declined in popularity in each of the past six summer Olympiads, made a major resurgence with the help of one particular area of society.

“The ‘34-55-year-old men who live in their parents’ basements, haven’t had girlfriends in over ten years, and fit the FBI’s profile of child sex offenders’ demographic really boosted ratings for the gymnastics events,” said a high-ranking member of the Nielsen Media Research group. “I suppose it’s not entirely surprising, but for whatever reason these perverts hadn’t been watching gymnastics in nearly as big numbers since the Dominiques [Dawes and Moceanu] retired from Olympic competition.”

USA Gymnastics held a press conference to express their pleasure in the newfound interest in their sport, and discussed how these increased ratings might shape decisions on future Olympic teams.

“It’s hard to know exactly what got us the coveted pedophile demo,” said Steve Penny, President of USA Gymnastics. “Was it the extra-young Chinese girls? Was it Shawn Johnson’s tight little… I mean, it could be any number of things, but we’ll try to get to the bottom of it. If all else fails, we can always just parade younger girls – twelve, eleven, ten – out to the mats, bars, and beams. The point is, we want to keep our valuable viewers happy.”

If an informal SSNN survey of the demographic is any indication, those viewers are about as happy as they’ve ever been.

“It was great this time around,” said convicted sex offender Steve Andersen. “Especially those Chinese girls with their beautiful, pure bodies. They said they were sixteen. Ha! I know a twelve-year-old when I see one. Trust me – it doesn’t move for sixteen-year-olds, if you know what I’m saying.”

Gymnastics wasn’t the only sport to be boosted by a particular demographic. Nielsen is also reporting that the most watched program among the “butch lesbian” demo was women’s singles, doubles, and team rowing; while the “flaming homosexual male” demographic’s number one show was men’s gymnastics.

Perhaps the biggest surprise was the number one rated event in the “Tunisian-Americans” demographic – 1,500 meter freestyle swimming, Tunisia’s only medal in the games, was watched by four out of the five Tunisian-Americans.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!