War of 1812 discovered to be first use of SABRmetrics

PRINCETON, NY — A team of archaeologists and historians from Princeton University have made an unbelievable discovery, namely that a precursor to SABRmetrics was indeed employed during the War of 1812 to help the Americans defeat the British.

“It’s really incredible,” said Dr. Hanson Dommin, a professor of American History at the University. “I think the only reason that nobody discovered this before now is that nobody really gives a shit about the War of 1812 – but there it was, just out there for the finding.

“The American forces consistently used statistics such as ship-hitting average on cannonballs in play (SHACIP) and value over replacement navy (VORN) to determine the quality of their fighting force against that of the British. And you know what? It worked.”

Judging from what SSNN assumes the result of the War of 1812 to be, the British forces were apparently completely unprepared for the Americans’ progressive strategies.

“This is a huge day for archaeology, and also for baseball,” Dommin said. “Even though – by all reasonable standards – baseball had not yet been invented, these advances in the application of SABRmetrics are enormous.”

Dommin went on to suggest that these “advances” will conceivably help to move SABRmetrics out of the realm of “losers trying to justify their selection of Yunel Escobar with a second round pick,” and into many other fields, such as medicine and science.

“It’s funny,” Dommin said. “The British were only concerned with the makeup of a navy, the way the ships looked, whether or not they had good ‘war-fighting instincts,’ stuff like that. Verrry 18^th century.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!