Todd Jones cries and hugs men; teammates say it was “really gay”

DETROIT, MI — Many members of the Detroit Tigers report that during Todd Jones‘ emotional farewell from the team, in which he hugged many of his teammates and cried, there was a real “air of gayness” about the event.

“For someone who hates gays as much as Todd does, it was really pretty gay,” said Gary Sheffield. “I mean, you’re going to hug other grown men, and you’re going to cry? Really, Todd? Why don’t you put on a pink polo shirt?”

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Sheffield said that, while he never knew Jones to act so gay, he’s not surprised.

“Listen, I mean, the has a mustache, and he’s always trying to tell people how gay they are,” Sheffield said. “So it only makes sense that he’s gay.”

Miguel Cabrera agreed.

“When he hugged me, I was like, ‘Whoa, bro, I’m not gay!’” Cabrera said. “And then he held on for a bit too long, and I was like, ‘Holy crap, this dude is so gay!’ I mean, you can probably hug another man for like one second without arousing–I mean, inciting–any suspicion. But this hug was for like 1.5 seconds. Total flamer, right?”

When Jones realized the gayness of his actions, he became extremely angry.

“I am not, nor have I ever been, a homosexual of any sort,” Jones said. “If my behavior in the locker room was perceived incorrectly as being fairy-like, then I deeply apologize to my teammates, whom I would never want to subject to any sort of unfair exploration of sexuality or unwarranted sexuality-based distractions. I sincerely apologize.”

Jones said that as proof of his non-gay-ness, he was going to go and call at least 20 other people a “fag” over the holiday weekend. However, many of the Tigers weren’t buying it.

“I don’t know,” said Curtis Granderson. “I just don’t know. All I know is what I see with my own eyes. And before during his sob session and dry-humping escapade around the locker room, he was sitting in this director’s chair, and he crossed his legs. Not the straight way, you know, where you put you put your ankle on your knee. You know, the gay way, where you cross your legs high, like you don’t have a penis. So I guess that our relief pitcher is actually a catcher, feel me?”