Stuart Scott seeking advanced degree in hopes of jumpstarting career

BRISTOL, CT — Aware that his career may have stalled somewhat and that he’s in need of a bit of a shake-up, ESPN SportsCenter anchor Stuart Scott has enrolled in a local college in hopes of getting an advanced degree to jumpstart his career.

“I was thinking about an MBA, or a law degree,” Scott said. “You know, something to make me more marketable. But then I decided that I was going to go with my passion – French literature.”

Scott said that he’s always been a casual fan of French literature, but that he felt now was the time to really incorporate it into his SportsCenter persona.

“I think that a bit of French is the perfect addition to my repertoire,” Scott said. “Get it? Repertoire? That’s a French word!”

Scott said his current collection of catchphrases have grown a bit tiresome, if not downright played out.

“How many years have I been using the same crap?” Scott asked SSNN. “Booyah! Cool as the other side of the pillow! It’s boring and trite – it has no gravitas. There is no je ne sais quois. It’s the same thing, every day, and I’m tired of it.”

Scott will take night classes two days a week at Bristol Community College, and he hopes that after about three years he’ll have an advanced degree and be ready to take things to the next level.

In the meantime, he plans on starting to incorporate a little French into his daily routine.

“I feel like the SportsCenter audience is just yearning for more Madame Bovary references,” Scott said. “I love me some Flaubert! I really think this French thing is gonna be a breakthrough for me – even if it’s just the occasional ‘Sacre bleu!’ it should really freshen things up.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!