Singing Chinese girl revealed to be computer generated

BEIJING, CHINA — Chinese government officials sent shockwaves through the international community this morning when they revealed that the nine-year-old girl who sang at the 2008 Olympic Opening Ceremony was in fact a computer-generated illusion.

“Despite an extensive search, we couldn’t find a child who was flawless enough to sing our glorious anthem to the world,” government official Chen Liao told SSNN. “It would be insulting both to our guests and to our magnificent nation to have even the slightest imperfections in the child, so we just used a cardboard cutout and digitally animated it for the TV audience. We considered digitally creating the vocal piece as well, but the technology just isn’t there yet.”

The revelation made sense to many who were in the Bird’s Nest that night. L.A. Times sports columnist Bill Plaschke told SSNN he had a sinking feeling something wasn’t quite right during the ceremonies.

“I didn’t quite get why that cardboard cutout was being paraded around on a string,” the ESPN regular said. “Or why music appeared to be coming from it, for that matter. This makes a lot of sense.”

“Wait, so you’re telling me that cute little cardboard thingy was fake?” an incredulous and apparently confused President Bush exclaimed when told of the digital trickery. “They digitally created a cardboard girl? Man oh man, that was some clever stuff – it really looked like real cardboard.”

Many have criticized China for the move, saying it made the opening ceremony hollow and inauthentic. Others have responded by pointing out that China is becoming more and more Westernized as the years go by, and that replacing human efforts with computers and digital illusions is simply a part of that transition.

“We see this all the time in the West,” said Chinese-American relations expert Ming Yimou. “Using digital animation in place of humans is commonplace in cinema, but it has also been used in the sporting world too: let’s not forget the time Bill Belichick fielded a holographic Tom Brady during preseason, to protect him from injury. The Chinese see things like that and latch on to them.”

American wrestling coach Brandon Paulson agreed, pointing out that, “China is always going to look to us for their cues and take it a step further. We pump our athletes full of steroids, they follow suit. We have Little Leaguers lying about their ages; they have a whole gymnastic team lying about their ages. We pollute our environment; they drown their country in smog. Digital animation is simply the next logical step in their attempts to emulate the West.”

Still, with the exposure of this apparent fraud, many athletes are now wondering what else the Chinese might have digitally created without our knowledge.

“Yeah I’m skeptical. I mean, take that Yao Ming guy,” said U.S. basketball star LeBron James. “Does nobody else think that a 7′5″ Chinese guy is a little fishy? I’m not saying he’s a hologram, but maybe a robot or something, right? He is way too calm and disciplined for an NBA star. Never once have I seen him make it rain, and I’ve never heard him freestyle. I have my eye on him.”

Milli Vanilli could not be reached for comment.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!