Hot Topics: MLB NFL NBA baseball New York Yankees ESPN steroids Boston Red Sox Chicago Cubs NCAA football
Main Menu
Go to Vividseats.com to get all hard-to-find Sports Tickets, including all NCAA Football Tickets , Basketball Tickets , Baseball Tickets , College Basketball Tickets , Tennis Tickets , PGA Tickets, NASCAR Tickets, NFL Tickets , and Super Bowl Tickets.
Get free NFL picks from PicksNFL.com
Wunderdog Sports is your source for football picks Get free football picks at TopTenCappers.com
Check out EnglishHarbour Network, the best and trusted online casino providing the online slots, table games and other casino games. Visit us for the best online gambling experience and great casino bonuses.
Cheap Sports Tickets
14 major suppliers
mega major $$$ deals
... Sports Ticket Depot.
TOUTHOUSE.COM
NFL Betting Predictions, Free NFL Picks and Current Football Odds
Ticket Solutions
Sports Tickets
NFL
Baseball
Super Bowl
World Series
NCAA Tournament
See the DC United Playoffs with MLS tickets. All your other favorite sports events tickets are also at RazorGator.
Cheap Premium Tickets.com
Get tickets to your favorite sporting events including New York Giants tickets, Pittsburgh Steelers tickets, Detroit Red Wings tickets, Los Angeles Lakers tickets, San Francisco Giants tickets and more.
News Item
Satan to Yankees fans: “It’s out of my hands”
NEW YORK, NY — Yankee fans woke up to horrifying news this morning, after Satan, Prince of Lies and Ruler of Darkness, gave a dour prognosis for the Bronx Bombers.
In an unprecedented move, Lucifer has announced that despite his vast powers and abilities as the infernal counterpart to God, there is nothing more he can do to help the Yankees reach the postseason.
“I’ve always been willing to surrender my soul to Satan with the understanding that I would suffer an eternity of unspeakable torment to just secure a Yankee championship in a time of need,” lifelong Yankee backer Chase Danley told SSNN, clearly distraught over Satan’s announcement. “Now I find out that Yankee Nation’s ace in the hole is no more – I feel betrayed.”
Speaking to SSNN from his lair inside the Massachusetts DMV, the Serpent said he is “a man of my word, and frankly at this point I don’t feel that I would be able to live up my end of the bargain. I’ve tried all year to give the Yankees the advantages they would need, but in the end, it seems I have failed to deliver.”
This week only! Get 1/2 off any of Doc’s Sports Picks services when using the code TA105. Call 1-866-238-6696 for details.
Satan cited resigning A-Rod, Andy Pettitte and Mariano Rivera, getting rid of Roger Clemens and once again giving the team “more money than God” (which, he assured SSNN, is quite literally true) as evidence of his genuine desire to secure a 27th championship for the pinstripes. He admits, however, that bad luck also came into play.
“I mean, the Blue Jays came out of nowhere, and I didn’t even have anything to do with it. There were some unfortunate injuries I didn’t hear about until it was too late,” the Prince of Darkness complained. “I admit I made some personnel decisions that in retrospect might not have been the best. I was a little swamped with the Olympics and everything for the past couple of weeks. I know I failed to deliver the kind of results people count on me for, and for that I apologize.”
Beelzebub’s withdrawal from the affairs of baseball marks the first time he has openly bowed out from manipulating the outcomes of a professional sport. His reputation in the NFL is legendary, playing a part in every dynasty as well as causing the Bills to lose four straight Super Bowls “just for laughs.”
In the NBA, he is known more his focus on individual players, specifically the great ones who just never seem to win a championship. Satan has always stayed away from college sports and the NHL – the former because of the lack of money involved, and the latter because he “just never really got into hockey“.
George Steinbrenner, longtime friend and ally of the Unclean One, said he was disappointed but vowed to carry on, assuring SSNN that his Yankees had won a World Championship without his help “sometime in the 90’s,” but couldn’t remember which one. Steinbrenner did admit that the Yankees’ success in the past decade was achieved through a combination of partitioning off the souls of Yankee employees and ritualistically slaughtering virgins.
One New York resident asked if his soul could be diverted towards the New York Knicks fund. Satan replied that the damage inflicted upon the Knicks by his servant Isiah would take over a century to reverse, and that he wouldn’t be touching that mess anytime soon.
Still, even without the Yankees on his plate, the Fallen one says he has plenty to do.
“I have a few pet projects I’m working on… The War in Iraq, legalizing gay marriage, plus I need to start working with the Patriots – I think Belichick learned his lesson after he suddenly shunned me before last year’s Super Bowl.”
If you’re new here, you may want to subscribe to our newsletter or RSS feed and get hilarious sports news every day. Thanks for visiting!
Labels: Alex Rodriguez, Andy Pettitte, baseball, Bill Belichick, Buffalo Bills, Derek Jeter, George Steinbrenner, God, Isiah Thomas, Mariano Rivera, MLB, NBA, New England Patriots, New York Knicks, New York Yankees, NFL, Roger Clemens, Satan, Super Bowl, Toronto Blue Jays, World Series
Posted on August 28th, 2008
Got a headline idea? Click here to submit it... and be sure to visit our Facebook page!
Other Related News Items
- Satan to lead Celtics victory parade, collect on debt of souls (June 18, 2008)
- New “glass-is-half-full” Steinbrenner repents, extends Torre (October 25, 2007)
- Woods seeks to renegotiate pact with Satan after disappointing loss (March 25, 2008)
- Yanks break gajillion mark (April 22, 2007)
Link To This Post
Comments
Be the first to leave a comment on this story below...
Leave A Comment
You must be logged in to post a comment.
Search Our Site
Subscribe to SSNN's Newsletter
Check Out These Classics
Multimedia News
Vertical Soccer
It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!
Photo Gallery
Visit our Gallery for a full listing of images...
Featured News
- Hampton injures himself while signing contract
- Plaxico attempts “shot therapy” to get back into lineup
- Pacman to Ditka: “From my cold, dead hands!”
- Kornheiser spends most Sunday nights sleeping in a Dumpster
- Roger Goodell Pardons Culpepper
- Older Featured News...
News In Brief
- GroupWrite: Favre calls McCain, tells him how to beat Obama
- GroupWrite: Lebron James taking election day off to get out the vote
- GroupWrite: Michael Vick to rehabilitate with Cowboys
- GroupWrite: Oden to dress up as NBA player for Halloween
- BREAKING NEWS: McCain admits he doesn’t know who Hamels is; election in jeopardy
- Older News In Brief...
Want CHEAP sports tickets? From NASCAR tickets to WWE tickets, or Red Sox tickets, Final Four tickets to discount Super Bowl tickets, find great deals on all kinds of event tickets here.
Sports fans may not always be serious about their news, but they're serious about their tickets. For NBA Playoffs tickets or Raptors tickets in Toronto, or Cowboys tickets online, CTC has a serious selection of the best sports tickets on the web. Get NY Giants tickets and sold out Super Bowl tickets too!
Pickspal.com
Football Picks
College Football Picks
MTC Tickets
Sold Out Events Tickets
Justin Timberlake Tour
American Idol Seats
Broadway Theater Tickets
Sold Out Sports Tickets
Hot Concert Tickets
March Madness Tickets
Golf is at its finest with Masters Tickets, while other historically important Sports Tickets like the Kentucky Derby Packages, and NFL Super Bowl Tickets are always hard to come by!
© SeriousSportsNewsNetwork.com. All Rights Reserved. Site Map.
SSNN is not really cool for people under 18 years of age. Seriously, it's profane as all hell.
