Sabathia-Fielder combo devastating to Milwaukee buffet owners

MILWAUKEE, WI — The recent acquisition of pitcher CC Sabathia has sent Milwaukee all-you-can-eat buffet owners running for the hills.

“Prince Fielder was bad enough, but at least he was only one man,” said Hiroki Yakamoto, who owns the Golden Dragon Buffet. “When Prince would come in alone, we would call off-duty chefs to come in, because we knew we’d need extra help. But now a Godzilla-like man comes in with Prince, and they just emptied us out.

“I have not seen destruction like this since August of 1945! He comes in with Prince and takes seat at buffet table – he doesn’t even sit at a regular table like a regular man. It’s horrible. I have a family to take care of. I can’t afford to feed bottomless pit like CC.”

According to several sources, the 6′7″, 300-lb. behemoth has already terrorized several buffets since joining the Brewers. The hard-throwing lefty has a fastball that tops out in the high 90’s, but his arm moves even faster as he shovels food into his gaping mouth.

“One time I saw him eat a fork that got in his way,” said Hermann Von Fritz, owner and proprietor of the Berlin Brats Smorgasbord. “I don’t even know how the fork got there, because I never see CC using anything but his bare hands when he comes to our restaurant. He says that utensils slow him down.

“But now he’s a regular, and it’s really causing problems. He comes in around 5pm and won’t leave until we run out of food. We actually haven’t made it to closing time since he started coming here. Wiener schnitzel, Bratwurst, Sauerkraut, Sausage links – everything. He even ate us out of bread!”

Von Fritz, Yakamoto and other all-you-can-eat proprietors have formed an as-yet unnamed lobbyist group in an effort to get the City of Milwaukee to pass a law, limiting patrons of such establishments to a two-hour sitting.

“Most patrons don’t normally exceed even one hour, so this law will only affect those who seek to abuse our all-you-can-eat policy,” commented Scott Kurell, owner of Uncle Scott’s Breakfast Buffet. “We are in the process of installing seismographs that will warn all members of our organization when Prince and CC are walking towards a restaurant. Any seismic activity over 6.0 on the Richter Scale will automatically turn off lights in the nearest all-you-can-eat restaurants and extinguish any ‘Open’ signs.

“The hope is this will confuse the slow-moving and dim-witted pair of lumbering ballplayers. Obviously this is only the beginning of a massive movement to protect restaurants of our ilk from this sort of unhealthy and outright disturbing binge eating.”

When reached for comment, Sabathia’s only words were “grpumphf, ruheandgf, salt, hurmpeagt, butter.” Fielder simply lifted his head out of the portable trough he carries to let out a window-shaking belch before putting his face back into his meal.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!