Pretty much every stripper in New Orleans wants to get nailed by Jeremy Shockey

NEW ORLEANS, LA — SSNN has learned that pretty much every stripper in New Orleans wants to get nailed by Jeremy Shockey pretty bad right now.

“I gotta be honest, I really want to get nailed by Jeremy Shockey,” said Kristin “Veronique” Davis, 20, of Metairie, LA, who dances at the Hustler Barely Legal club on Bourbon Street. “Every time the door to the club opens, my heart skips a little beat and I look over, and all I’m thinking is, ‘Is that Jeremy Shockey?’ One of these times, it’s gonna be him, and I’m gonna make sure he nails me.”

Shockey was recently traded from the Giants to the Saints, and has really been embracing the culture of New Orleans. Likewise, his bad-boy image, hulking arms and overall commitment to debauchery have made him a local favorite, with both the stripping community and those other New Orleansians who share Shockey’s love of a good time.

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“It’s my understanding that Mr. Shockey has already had sex with at least 27 strippers in the greater New Orleans area,” said Tim “Iceman” McGregor, a bouncer at Stiletto’s strip club on Bourbon Street and a huge Saints fan. “Keep in mind, these numbers are as of Monday night – the last available data – so the number could easily be in excess of 50 by now.”

Veronique indicated that she is so consumed with her lust for Shockey that occasionally she finds herself daydreaming about him at work.

“A lot of the time, when I’m doing a dance for someone, I find myself pretending that that person is actually Jeremy Shockey,” she said. “Part of it is practice – when he finally shows up, I want to be ready. And part of it is that it just feels sooooooo much better to dance for Jeremy Shockey than it does to dance for some fat-assed, smelly accountant from St. Louis who happens to be down here for a three-day conference on the future of the actuarial industry.”

Shockey agreed.

“I get that a lot,” he told SSNN, as he sipped a hurricane. “A lot of times these accountants and lawyers and other fat-asses, they come up to me and they say, ‘Hey, Shockey, how come strippers all love you and they don’t love us?’

“And I’m always like, ‘I dunno, dude!’ And then I just go and nail a stripper.”