Phelps fails to qualify for NASCAR race

WATKINS GLEN, NY — Bored of just kicking the shit out of random Europeans and Asians in swimming pools, and inspired by Michelle Wie, Michael Phelps decided it was time to press himself with some real competition.

So Phelps, who is very fast and good at winning races, decided he was going to try to qualify for this weekend’s NASCAR race at Watkins Glen.

Unfortunately, things did not work out for Phelps, who failed to realize that the course has 11 turns.

“That kid is fast as hell, but he can’t turn for shit,” said Carl Edwards, who qualified easily and will be racing Sunday. “On every lap, he really got it going on the straightaways, but then he went straight into the wall, flipped over, and then came roaring down the straightaway going the other direction. Fun to watch, but not the best way to win a race.”

Even had Phelps qualified, a number of other violations would have kept him from competing, according to NASCAR officials. For example, instead of wearing the required flame retardant suit, Phelps insisted on wearing a specially made bodysuit that was partially see-through.

“If you want to go fast, you have to give it some thought, and figure out what’s the best way to really speed yourself up,” Phelps said. “In this case, a sleek bodysuit seemed like the best option, so I went with that.”

Phelps said he still plans to try to qualify for another NASCAR race, though he feels that his future may be in either drag racing or women’s golf.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!