Pedro Gomez still inexplicably standing outside Bonds’ house

PHOENIX, AZ — Police were called to a serene, gated community here in Phoenix again Thursday, where they arrested ESPN reporter Pedro Gomez for the 18^th time this year for trespassing on Barry Bonds’ property.

According to a police report, Gomez was again arrested for standing on Bonds’ front lawn, holding a bouquet of flowers as though it was a microphone and giving a rambling, incoherent ‘report’ about the latest news involving Barry Bonds.

“It’s really a weird thing,” said Phoenix police chief Robert Zorn. “Every night, about six pm, this guy is standing out on the driveway of Bonds’ house, and he’s just talking, just pretending to do a news report. There’s no cameras or anything. There are no other people there. I am pretty sure that he pretends that the mailbox is a camera. He uses the flowers as a microphone. And he just talks.

“He goes on and on about what’s going on with Bonds – what Bonds did that day, what’s going on with his court case, what is coming in the mail for Bonds, what his kids are doing, whatever. It’s really creepy. And to be honest, I’m not even really a fan of Barry.”

ESPN has not had a Bonds-related story on air in a month, and has only had about six reports on Bonds since the start of the baseball season. Gomez is apparently still under contract for ESPN, but he’s reportedly under permanent suspension due to the fact that he has not shown up for any assignments and is camping outside of Bonds’ house.

“Yeah, I think I’m suspended or something, but whatever,” Gomez said. “They stopped paying for my hotel and meals and stuff, so I’ve just been sleeping in the drainage ditch across the street, and I’ve just been kind of snacking on whatever I can find. You’d be surprised at the amount of stuff that grows on trees that you can eat without getting sick.”

According to Gomez, things aren’t as bad as they seem. An impartial set of eyes might dispute that, however, given that he hasn’t shaved in two months, hasn’t been on TV in four weeks, and seems to always be wearing a pair of cutoff corduroy shorts.

“Things are okay,” Gomez said. “Listen, I’m doing what I love – getting the people of America the news they need and crave about Barry Bonds. If it’s not for me, Pedro Gomez, then basically everyone in the United States will go on, day in and day out, without any news or information on Barry Bonds. And what kind of life would that be?”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!