Patrick Henry makes bold statement in anticipation of revolution

RICHMOND, VA — A recent revelation shows that Patrick Henry, Virginia statesman and revolutionary hero, actually said more in his most famous quote than he is generally given credit for.

The discovery was made following a close examination of George Washington’s diary entry from April 4, 1775.

The entry reads:

“A most astounding call to action came a fortnight ago from Patrick Henry, as he addressed the House of Burgesses. ‘Give me liberty or give me death!’ He shouted to the crowd. He then added ‘Getcha popcorn ready!’

Such a scene I have never seen! The words were beautifully chosen, as though the preparation of the popcorn would heighten our anticipation of the magnificence to come. Even the unorthodox word choice demonstrates the wisdom and brilliance of the sentiment, the use of the contraction ‘Getcha’ to imbue the situation with the urgency and magnitude that only a revolution would merit.”

Research has shown that Thomas Jefferson, also in attendance, agreed with Washington, and it is Jefferson who will now be credited with carrying on the oral tradition of the statement. Indeed, Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens, who recently repopularized the statement, characterizes himself as “pretty much a Jeffersonian Republican.”

Jefferson himself was known to consistently demand either liberty or death, almost always immediately breaking into laughter before finishing the quote.

The most notable occurrence came as he was finalizing the Louisiana Purchase. “On one matter, there is a choice,” Jefferson told a confused French negotiator. “You can gimme liberty or gimme death. But the second matter is less a choice and more a four-word demand: Getcha popcorn ready, bitch!”