Papelbon changes intro song from “Wild Thing” to “I Kissed a Girl”

BOSTON, MA—Jonathan Papelbon, all-star closer for the Red Sox has announced that he will change the song played when he leaves the bullpen from the Troggs’ “Wild Thing” to Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl,” currently holding #1 on multiple European song charts. Papelbon revealed to SSNN that a “magical experience” over this past weekend was responsible for the song changes.

“I used the song ‘Wild Thing’ because that was how I viewed myself: a wild, care-free spirit who did whatever he wanted. I lived my life with no thought of tomorrow. I thought I would never grow up and settle down,” Papelbon revealed to SSNN. “But things have changed.”

Papelbon laid out the scene for SSNN: “I was at this nightclub, I was like wicked trashed and shit and this girl comes out of nowhere and starts rubbing against me on the dance floor. And before I knew it we were locking lips. And then, just like that, she was gone,” said a dreamy-eyed Papelbon. When asked why on earth one kiss with a random stranger not infected with herpes could change someone’s life, Papelbon responded promptly, “It was my first kiss, obv.”

Papelbon proceeded to reveal how he was a virgin in every sense of the word until a few days ago, saying he never really felt attracted to girls and wasn’t aware that ‘cooties’ were a fictitious disease until his college years. Papelbon’s unique status in the baseball world was no secret to his teammates either, as we learned.

“Yeah, it’s wicked fucked up,” a clearly disturbed Jason Varitek told SSNN. “I always thought he was a little off, but one time I was telling a story about how I was railing this chick and Paps was like ‘ewww.’ Then the ugly truth came out.”

When asked about Papelbon’s wife, spotted at the all-star game in New York a few weeks ago, Varitek revealed that the woman in question was actually a paid actor, hired after Red Sox management learned the horrifying truth.

“It would’ve turned us into the laughingstock of the league if it was revealed our closer had never even come close to reaching second base, let alone getting laid,” Red Sox GM Theo Epstein told SSNN. “I mean, he’s great, but there are a lot of things not quite in order up in his attic, you know? He could probably get any chick in New England, but he has the sexual maturity of an eight-year old.”

After SSNN’s resident pop culture expert informed Papelbon that the song was in fact about same-sex experimentation, the three-time all-star gave a blank stare and replied he didn’t know what a ‘lesbanim’ was.

When asked if Papelbon was ready to round the bases in a more figurative sense, Papelbon responded that the first kiss was a big step, but he wasn’t sure if he was quite ready for activity routinely engaged in by children half his age.

“Kissing is nice, but I’m a little afraid of going down there,” mumbled Papelbon. “How does that even work? I’ve seen a few pictures but…” he concluded with an abrupt shudder.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!