Olympic swimmer Phelps has water in ear, ends quest for history

BEIJING, CHINA — Michael Phelps, the celebrated American swimmer expected to shatter the Olympic record for most gold medals in a single Olympics, will not have the opportunity after getting water in his ear during Wednesday’s qualifying heat.

Asked if he would consider racing despite the water, Phelps shook his head and yelled, “What? Speak up! I have water in my ear.”

Many non-athletes in Beijing have been imploring Phelps to continue on his historic quest, which has already solidified his place in history as the most decorated Olympian ever. He was to challenge Mark Spitz’s record of seven gold medals in a single games; now, however, that will not happen.

“I could feel it as soon as I got out of the water,” bemoaned the Olympian. “I tried everything to get it out. It’s driving me crazy – I just hate this feeling, it’s like torture or something.”

Reporters crowded in as Phelps tilted his head and began kicking his leg in a vain attempt to dispel the water, to no avail.

“You can push through a lot of pain to win gold medals,” Phelps said. “Trust me on that. But you get to a point where you’re like, enough is enough – I really can’t go anymore. That’s where I am right now. My ears are telling me it’s time to quit.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!