MLB mandates all players must speak Spanish

NEW YORK, NY — In a unilateral move designed to improve the fluidity of the game, baseball commissioner Bud Selig has ruled that all players in Major League Baseball (hereafter to be known as Principal Liga de Béisbol) must be fluent in Spanish to remain eligible to compete, starting immediately.

Selig cited the growing number of players to whom Spanish is a first language, and the fact that Spanish was the language upon which the game of baseball was built as the primarily factors in the verdict.

“Spanish is and always has been the bedrock of the game of baseball,” read a statement released in Spanish by the commissioner’s office. “This move was not only necessary, it was long overdue. The level of talent you have is completely irrelevant if you are unable to converse with the vast majority of those in the game. We will sacrifice some talent for the homogenization of our group of players.”

The move has been met with fierce opposition from the Players Association and fans, all of whom are saying the move is motivated by bigotry and xenophobia towards English speakers.

“We have always assumed that the Principal Liga de Béisbol had a commitment to diversity both on and off the field,” an angry PA chief Donald Fehr said in a press conference last night. “This decision clearly shows a lack of tolerance or acceptance of minorities, and is contradictory to the fundamental nature of the game.”

The rule change is being hailed as a victory by the “Spanish-first” lobbyist group – based out of Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic – which has long held that English was diluting the purity of the game.

“This ruling shows that those in the baseball world are fully aware of the importance of Spanish to the game of baseball,” spokesperson Andrew Alcantara-Martin told SSNN. “It is obvious to any impartial observer that Spanish is the one and only language of baseball, and those who wish to play baseball must get on board with that program.”

The move is certain to shake up the baseball world, as several prominent Japanese players are sure to be immediately disqualified from playing in the major leagues, including Seattle Mariners’ outfielder Ichiro Suzuki, Boston pitchers Daisuke Matsuzaka and Hideki Okajima, and Astros’ second baseman Kaz Matsui, all of whom use a translator when speaking to members of the press. Many analysts predict that as long as native-born American players are able to recite key phrases like “No me gusta,” and “Mi llamo Chris,” management will turn a blind eye.

SSNN spoke to a panicked baseball player who admitted that he didn’t speak a word of Spanish and was worried he would soon be barred from participation. “I’m totally screwed. I don’t know nothing other than ‘Hola’ and ‘Donde esta,’ and I don’t even know what that second one means.”

Nevertheless, many players welcomed the move.

“It feels wonderful to finally know I won’t have to have that awkward conversation with someone who doesn’t speak Spanish,” Angels’ shortstop Erick Aybar told SSNN through a translator. “It always made me a little uncomfortable dealing with people who didn’t speak the language of baseball. Quite frankly, if you don’t speak the language, you shouldn’t be here.”

When asked by SSNN to display his skills in Spanish, a dour-faced Selig replied grimly, “Yo quiero Taco Bell.”