Major conflict brewing between women’s field hockey and water polo teams

BEIJING, CHINA — The Olympic Village has been rocked this week with major conflict between the United States field hockey and women’s water polo teams, who have developed a sort of Montagues vs. Capulets feud over the course of the games of the 29^th Olympiad.

“I’m not really sure how it started,” said Dana Johnson, who plays center on the water polo team. “But it’s gotten really bad. It’s way past just dirty looks and name calling, and into the realm of nasty Facebook postings and mean-picture-drawing.”

At its roots, the feud seems to be about a general disdain for each other’s accomplishments, but now it has taken on a much more personal tone.

Johnson said she herself is in “full out battle mode,” having changed her Facebook status to “Dana is glad she is not a fat cow who eats the grass on the field hockey field like the U.S women’s field hockey team,” and also made 100 Xeroxed copies of a picture of a cow and “papered” the field hockey team’s locker room.

The field hockey team is fighting back, though, led by spirited midfielder Juanita Thompson.

“Yesterday, I saw that bitch [Johnson] in the cafeteria, and when we were walking by each other, I totally gave her a shoulder bump,” Thompson said. “Nearly knocked her tray into her fat face. I also – and this may be over the top, but at this point, who cares? – I also wrote ‘Water polo sucks’ on my shoes that I’m going to wear in our next game. So if those CNBC cameras get in for a good closeup of my feet, watch out! Major controversy, CNBC!”

Whereas both teams realize that the feud is somewhat juvenile and spinning out of control, neither seems inclined to rein it in now that they have come so far.

“Someone came up to me, and they asked me what sport I play, and I said water polo,” Johnson said. “She goes, ‘Oh, is that like field hockey?’ And I said, ‘Yeah, except it’s in the water, and you have to be a good athlete, not fat. Oh, and I don’t have sex with men for money, either. But otherwise it’s the same.’

In retrospect, I probably should skip the hooker part when I’m talking to children, but how does a five-year-old not know the difference between field hockey and water polo? I mean, one starts with ‘field,’ and the other with ‘water,’ you know?”