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News Item

Lee becomes free agent, signs with Confederacy

RICHMOND, VA — In a stunning eleventh-hour move, Colonel Robert E. Lee opted out of his contract with the United States and signed with the newly-created Confederate States of America, shocking many who assumed Lee would be promoted to take charge of the army to quash the secession.

Lee cited his home state of Virginia seceding from the Union and lack of a retractable dome over West Point as the primary motivating causes for his departure.

When asked if the move made the newly-formed Confederacy immediate contenders, analyst Mathew Brady replied, “I think so. They now have an established home-run threat and proven team leader. They still have a long way to go, mind you, but this acquisition definitely adds legitimacy to their attempt to break up the Union.”

A statement released by Lee’s agent read, “I will forever be grateful to the people of the North and their management. I’ve had decades of wonderful memories with the United States, and wish them no ill will, apart from the bloody and ruthless conflict I am about to immerse them in. I now look forward to beginning a new chapter of my career with the C.S.A.”

At the press conference earlier this morning, Confederate President Jeff Davis and Lee displayed the general’s new uniform and answered questions.

“We’re pleased to see that the constitutionality of our little rebellion has not been lost on everyone up north,” Davis told a small gathering of newsmen. “We hope Robert’s arrival is only the first of many high-profile defections to our cause.”

When pressed for a response, Davis’ counterpart, newly-elected U.S. President lincoln »”>Abraham Lincoln expressed his disappointment, but seemed confident in the Union’s ability to persevere.

“We’re sad to see General Lee go, but we’re moving on,” Lincoln said. “We’re thankful for his many years of service, and hope that he enjoys his hopefully all-too-brief tenure with our neighbors down south.”

Many of Lee’s new teammates were enthused about his arrival. General Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson told SSNN that he looks forward to working with Lee, and hopes that together they can “kill a lot of Yankee scum.”

Some of Lee’s career highlights include his instrumental role in the Mexican-American war, a superintendent position at West Point and apprehending John Brown at Harper’s Ferry. But the longtime army man has never taken on a role quite so large before, and some question whether his arrival will do much to solve the Confederacy’s numerous problems, such as a lack of a navy or stable currency, and being horribly outnumbered.

“This move is good, but I have to say I don’t think it will be enough to get these guys over the hump,” said U.S. military commander and part-time analyst John Pope. “Lee and Stonewall are gonna have to carry that country on their backs for all four quarters.

“As good as they are, I have to say their supporting cast just won’t be able to come through for them. War is a team game, and if you don’t have all 2 million guys on the same page, you’re gonna get smoked.”

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Labels: Abraham Lincoln, Civil War, Confederate States of America, General Robert E. Lee, General Thomas "Stonewall" Jackson, Jefferson Davis, John Pope, Mathew Brady, Union, USA, war, West Point

Posted on August 26th, 2008

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Other Related News Items

• Confederate soldiers to wear alternate Sunday uniforms for upcoming battle (December 22, 2007)
• CBS’ Johnson being sued over catchphrase (March 13, 2008)
• Angry Al Davis to run for President (October 2, 2008)
• New phrase added to sports vernacular (September 24, 2007)

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