Kelton family Olympics marred by doping scandal

DES MOINES, IA — James Kelton had been looking forward to Friday for more than two years, and was in a positively giddy mood when he came home from his job as an insurance salesman Friday night, which was to be the opening ceremonies of the Kelton Family Olympics 2008 – a biannual weekend of competition that involves both parents and all five kids, and takes place in conjunction with the midpoint of the real Olympics.

Kelton, 49, walked in the door of his house at 6:01 pm and screamed, “Let the games begin!” He was noticeably taken aback when he saw his wife, Sarah, crying at the kitchen table, with a bag of marijuana sitting in front of her and the Kelton’s oldest child, 17-year-old Jonas, sitting ashen-faced across the table.

“Look at what I found in your son’s room,” Sarah Kelton screamed. “Our son is a drug addict! He’s a pothead and a loser and my heart is broken!”

James Kelton quickly learned that Sarah had been putting away Jonas’s laundry when she found the small plastic bag rolled into a pair of dark socks in the back corner of the third drawer of his dresser.

“I knew something was amiss when I saw that the socks were in the wrong drawer,” Sarah said. “They weren’t in the second drawer, where they were supposed to be. They were in the third drawer, behind his sweaters, which he obviously doesn’t need now given that it’s the summer. So I pulled them out to put them in the right place, and that’s when I found the contraband.”

Due to the discovery of the bag of marijuana (a Coca-Cola can with approximately 25 pinholes poked into the side was also found, though it’s purpose is unknown) the Opening Ceremonies of the Kelton Family Games were cancelled, and it’s very possible that the entire competition will be scrapped. At the very least, the Scrabble tournament, scheduled for Monday afternoon, is in extreme jeopardy, and James Kelton also informed SSNN that the Saturday morning three-on-four basketball game, which has already been postponed, is “not looking like it’s going to take place.”

“We’re going to get the Olympic Committee together and figure out what the best thing to do here is,” James Kelton said. “Doping has been a huge problem in all sports, and so it makes sense that it would even find a way to creep into our events. Nevertheless, it’s a real problem that we’ll need to deal with.

“It’s tough, because everyone has such different views on this. For example, I’m in favor of a softer penalty – the games must go on, all that stuff. Sarah, though… She’s talking about a lifetime ban. So we’ve got some things we need to work out.”

Adding to the problems is that a splinter competition among the four Kelton children who were not involved in the doping incident has started up, and though the event is unsanctioned, it is borrowing heavily from the schedule for the official Kelton Family Games, including the unheard-of playing of Scattergories on the first night of competition.

“Why should we be forced to suffer due to the indiscretions of other athletes?” asked Kayla, 14, who coordinated the splinter event along with twin sister Bethany. “We are not dopers, so we have every right to enjoy our biannual exhibition of sportsmanship and competition, do we not?”

While at press time James Kelton did not know how the drama would conclude, he was hopeful that someday soon the family would look back on the event with the perspective that some distance can often provide.

“Doping happens,” Kelton said. “It’s an unfortunate truth. We will have to spend a lot of time thinking about the best way to move forward, deliver some sanctions, and move along. The key is to make sure that we don’t have repeat violations, if you ask me.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!