Johnson injures mouth, mute 3-4 weeks

CINCINNATI, OH — Cincinnati Bengals’ publicity-seeking star wideout Chad Johnson severely burned his tongue and lips on what is being called “a particularly hot papaya” before his team’s preseason game against the Lions.

Doctors say the five-time Pro Bowler could be left speechless for as many as four weeks, leaving the sports media scrambling for football material to fill programming over that period.

“It’s pretty bad,” admitted team doctor William Carveth. “Any attempt at verbal communication at this point would only serve to further aggravate the injury, so we’ve had his mouth wired shut just to be safe.

“Luckily, he is completely cleared to play. This injury will not prevent him from taking the field,” continued Dr. Carveth in a dismal attempt to raise the spirits of the press corps.

With Michael Phelps no longer competing in the Olympics and the Brett Favre saga essentially over, the sports media is poised to hit a dry spell in the weeks leading up to the start of the NFL regular season. The announcement that Johnson – whose latest headline-grabbing stunt was the claim that he was going to legally change his last name to Ocho-Cinco – will be a non-factor in the coming weeks has shaken the media to its core.

When asked for comment, Johnson could only reply, “NMffffff…mmmmnnfff nuuummm.”

In the wake of Johnson’s mouth injury, ESPN has revealed that they will attempt to fill the unexpected gaps using constant injury updates and a ‘mute-o-meter’ measuring the level of volume that the All-Pro wide receiver is capable of producing. Still, a source inside ESPN headquarters admitted to SSNN under condition of anonymity that it might not be enough.

“The injury update is fine, but we can only milk that for five minutes, max,” the ESPN executive explained. “We can easily drop 15 every time he demands a trade, or bickers with the NFL league office. All we can really do right now is pray for a shooting or something, preferably with critical injuries. That last part’s off the record, by the way.”

When asked by SSNN if simple written communication could solve the problem, ESPN personality Trey Wingo was doubtful.

“Unlikely. Frankly, I’ve seen Chad’s handwriting and it’s pretty poor,” the NFL Live studio host explained. “Plus, that would give Chad time to think about what he’s about to say, and he might backtrack on some of his more idiotic comments, which could really prove fatal to us.”

Strangely, many of Johnson’s teammates seemed unperturbed by their star’s injury.

“I was concerned Chad might have been giving his mouth too much of a workout, anyway,” quarterback Carson Palmer told SSNN. “I think this could be a blessing in disguise – just to let Chad know his limits. When you’ve been making headlines with every comment for that long, you can push yourself beyond what is necessary. This could be a good time for Chad to step back and reevaluate his goals.”

Fellow wide receiver and over-talker Terrell Owens came out in support of Johnson, though.

“I’ve been there. I know what its like to have your most valuable asset taken out from under you. I remember when I got my wisdom teeth removed; it was really hard to talk for, like, two or three days. I can’t even imagine going four weeks. Now, who wants to hear about how I made Pacman my bitch today?”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!