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John Edwards admits to cheating in fantasy baseball league

Even in disgrace, John Edwards smiles for the camera.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A tearful John Edwards admitted to SSNN yesterday that he repeatedly hacked into opposing player’s accounts during the course of the current fantasy baseball season to gain an unfair advantage, but denied that he was responsible for placing every member of John Kerry’s squad on waivers.

“Throughout the course of this season, I have made serious lapses in judgment. I have, on numerous occasions, broken into my opponents’ accounts and performed trades and lineup changes intended to both hurt their teams and strengthen my own,” said the one-time North Carolina senator. “My actions were shameful and hurtful, and I fully understand the disgrace I have brought upon myself, my family, my party, and Yahoo! Fantasy Baseball.”

But Edwards says he is just as confused as anyone else when it comes to how Senator John Kerry’s (D-MA) entire roster hit the waiver wire, leaving the 2004 presidential nominee with no team whatsoever for several days. Sources who work with Edwards at the One America Committee told SSNN that the Kerry crime doesn’t fit the former vice presidential candidate’s modus operandi.

“Believe me, John isn’t the type who would go so far as to completely decimate a team like that,” said one Edwards staffer who spoke on condition of anonymity. “He always tried to be as subtle as possible when illegally tampering with other teams, and I’m pretty sure he would never have been so brazen as to pull a stunt like that.”

The commissioner of Edwards’ league – ThaDonkeyBoyz – is Ted Kennedy (D-MA), who said he will not officially comment about the controversy until he is ready to make a ruling. Several of the other managers in the league, however, responded sharply.

“His team should be disqualified,” said Joe Lieberman (I/D-CT), manager of Thugz Passion, currently in second place. “This league has no room for corruption, and it’s supposed to be for acting members of Congress anyway. I mean, who does this pretty boy think he is?”

House member Dennis Kucinich, manager of The PenIs Mightier, agreed, saying, “He needs to be removed immediately, obviously, and the whole league should have an asterisk stamped on it for this year.”

To the majority of the country, Edwards is best known for being the vice-presidential candidate on the Democratic ticket in 2004, and trying unsuccessfully to gain his party’s nomination for president this past primary season. In Washington circles, however, he has been revered for his successes in fantasy football and baseball, and for his apparently ethical nature concerning the game.

“I fully would expect this garbage out of a Republican,” said DNC chairman Howard Dean, who manages current first-place team Two Girls/One Cup. “Bill Belichick and Barry Bonds are registered Republicans, or so I’m told. But a Democrat is supposed to be above such petty and pathetic games. If he’s allowed to be in this league next year, you can count me out – that I assure you.”

Edwards has said that regardless of Kennedy’s official ruling, he will step down as general manager of the Ron Mexicans, with Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid likely taking over as interim manager. Many analysts have begun questioning whether Edwards’ storied fantasy career will end in disgrace.

“It will be hard to bounce back from this, no question,” fantasy baseball analyst John Kruk told SSNN. “There will probably be some league, somewhere that will take him in under heavy stipulations. But I will have to say his time on the big stage is over. This is a sad day for fantasy sports.”

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Labels: baseball, Dennis Kucinich, fantasy baseball, fantasy football, Harry Reid, Howard Dean, Joe Lieberman, John Edwards, John Kerry, John Kruk, politics, Ted Kennedy, US Congress, Yahoo!

Posted on August 11th, 2008

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Other Related News Items

Obama asks to have fantasy football draft rescheduled for third time (August 27, 2008)
McCain wants to postpone debate until fantasy baseball season is over (September 26, 2008)
Obama and McCain propose using BCS rankings to determine Presidency (November 17, 2007)
Giuliani endorses McCain for Redskins head coaching job (January 31, 2008)

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