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Jay Mariotti quits Sun-Times, life

CHICAGO, IL—Oft-maligned columnist Jay Mariotti made his own headlines yesterday when he announced that he was resigning from the Chicago Sun-Times and ceasing all functions of everyday living, and would begin living as a vagrant to hasten the sweet release of death.

The statement read, in part: “It finally dawned on me just what my life has become. I have had a personal revelation in the past few weeks and I now know what I must to do reach peace with myself. Don’t try and stop me.” Apart from this statement Mariotti has not spoken a word to anyone.

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Around the Horn host Tony Reali said he was just as surprised as anyone about Jay’s decision, telling SSNN, “This is totally out of character. I can only assume all those years of relentless criticism from sports figures and fans must have finally gotten to him.”

Fellow media personality and close friend and confidant Tony Kornheiser said he was stunned by the news and that all attempts to talk Jay out of his decision have failed. “Jay is such a wonderful human being and an even better friend,” a tearful Kornheiser told SSNN. “I’ve lost a bedrock in my life and I don’t think it will ever be replaced.”

“What will I do without him?” moaned Kornheiser.

Mariotti has either discarded or given away all of his worldly possessions, including the rubber chicken he infamously bitch-slapped Woody Paige with. He also unceremoniously burned copies of every news story he has ever written, from high school to the present day. His only possessions at this moment appear to be a ‘Frankie Say ‘Relax’’ t-shirt, faded jeans and a torn jacket. Mariotti indicated to SSNN that he intends to roam the streets of Chicago and hopefully succumb to the rigors of street life shortly.

Unsurprisingly, due to Mariotti’s often controversial reputation within the world of sports, not everyone was sorry to hear the news of his departure. Fellow “Around the Horn” regular Kevin Blackistone had nothing but venom for Mariotti, telling SSNN, “That slimly little windbag. I hope he chokes on a [lollipop] and dies. I’m just itchin’ to run into him in a dark alley. Now, what was it he did?”

Ozzie Guillen was eager to talk with SSNN, but due to decency laws we remain unable to print any of his comments.

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Labels: Around the Horn, Chicago, Chicago Sun Times, columns, Jay Mariotti, Kevin Blackistone, Ozzie Guillen, resign, Tony Kornheiser, Tony Reali, Woody Paige

Posted on August 29th, 2008

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Other Related News Items

Jaws totally drank from Kornheiser’s soda last night; “Act of War,” says Kornheiser (November 11, 2008)
Paige fervently contesting Around the Horn record (February 14, 2008)
Kornheiser spends most Sunday nights sleeping in a Dumpster (December 1, 2008)
Britney Spears edges Mike Wilbon in SportsNation poll (March 3, 2007)

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